


How Many Tears Are Enough?

by S_Nebulosa



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Panic Attacks, Survivor Guilt, it's only talked about briefly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-22
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-08-26 12:42:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 34,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16681825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/S_Nebulosa/pseuds/S_Nebulosa
Summary: Kara lands herself a new job as caretaker for the Luthor's. She's to take care of their youngest daughter Lena, who's been forced to move back in with her mother after a devastating explosion at her job, causing multiple fatalities and her brother's incarceration, nearly killed her too. That's been a year ago and physically, Lena is fine, but she has a severe depression and needs someone to look after her. That's where Kara comes in. During her time with the Luthor's she slowly finds out there's a little more going on, though.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to give an extra warning along with the tags stating this is a heavy story and deals with a lot of bad stuff so make sure you're in a good enough place to read it. Please put yourself first.   
> This story deals with some blatant homophobia that's really bad and deals with some mental health issues (from an outsider perspective but also little bits from a narrator point of view). If you have any doubts about reading either please don't risk it, ask someone who's read it to gauge whether you're safe reading it or ask me on [tumblr](https://randomramblingsbymyself.tumblr.com) or here (though asking someone else is, in my opinion, always better because I wrote it so I might have a different view on stuff and such)
> 
> Please tell me if I forgot any tags because there were a lot of them.  
> Also, I did a thing and actually wrote all of this story beforehand so updates can be fast and I'll try to upload a new chapter at least twice a week.  
> This work has taken me 6 months lol but finally it's finished. It is my new baby so please be kind (but point out any spelling mistakes or grammar errors and such so I can fix them and learn from them).

“No, no, no, no!” Kara shoots up from her bed, tossing the sheets aside as she slams her hand on top of her alarm to turn it off. Her second alarm. The one going off at the time she should be leaving, not just waking up.

She rushes through her morning routine, forsaking half of it in favour of speed. Arriving late for her first day at her new, and very much needed, job does not leave a good impression. It’s a miracle she got the job in the first placing, seeing how woefully unqualified she deems herself without a medical degree or any experience. Then again, she’s been Cat Grant assistant and if she can survive that, she should be able to take care of another adult. Even if said adult is rumoured to be problematic.

Kara hops around her small living room as she slips her socks and shoes on while she searches for her purse and car keys, throwing a pack of cookies in her purse when she finally finds it. There’s no time for breakfast so those will have to do. She’s never been out the door and on the road this fast in her life.

Though she hates being late, especially on her first day, she doesn’t speed. She expertly weaves her way through traffic and takes the fastest road away from the city’s rush hour. The moment she exits the highway, traffic is so light it hardly seems rush hour anymore.

High rise buildings make way for small houses that grow increasingly larger and more luxurious with lavish gardens and pools. Before she leaves the city bounds, her phone starts vibrating. With a quick glance Kara presses the green button and puts her phone on speaker, tossing it in a cup holder so she can keep both hands on the steering wheel

“Hi,” she answers, both eyes on the unfamiliar road trying not to miss the next turn she has to take.

 _“Hey Kar!”_ Alex’s voice drifts up from the cup holder, a little distorted and amplified by the shape of the plastic. _“I just wanted to wish you good luck with your new job. You’ll do fine, I believe in you.”_

“Thanks,” Kara sigs.

“What’s wrong?” Her sister, ever perceptive, of course immediately catches onto Kara’s dejected mood, “they didn’t already fire you, did they? You haven’t even started yet.”

“No, but they might as well. It’s my first day and I’m already late.”

“Oh. Well, just show them your worth when you get there. Make yourself irreplaceable.”

“In one day?”

“Yes. I’m sure you’ll do great and they’ll love you.”

Kara huffs loudly, she doesn’t believe a word Alex says.

 _“They will and I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you.”_ Somewhere in the background of the call a timer goes off and the sounds of a desk chair rolling away follows.

 _“I’ve got to go, good luck. You’ll do great. Believe in yourself. Bye!”_ With that, Alex cuts their call and Kara’s car is silent once more – save for the low hum of the engine.

Kara knows Alex feels bad for not being there for her, for not having breakfast together like they used to do on the first day of school and every first or important day since, but Alex couldn’t get out of work. It has been super hectic lately and Kara doesn’t blame her for wanting to keep the job she loves.

 

Kara’s small car crosses the city line and she knows she still has about half an hour more to drive and can see the minutes ticking away on her dashboard clock until the time she’s supposed to arrive passes. With a resigned sigh, she watches the trees pass by far too slow.

The remaining minutes fly by and before she knows it Kara is taking the final turn and pulling up to a large gate. It slowly creaks open, allowing Kara to drive up the enormous driveway.

Kara parks her car and runs up the steps to the mansion. Before she’s even taken the last few steps, the door opens and a tall stern-looking woman appears. Lillian Luthor. Kara recognises her from her interview.

A look of disdain clearly shows on her face as her eyes look Kara up and down, obviously unimpressed by the button up and khaki’s the blonde is sporting. Kara squares her shoulders, for once listening to Alex. She will make them love her and unable to replace her. She’ll show her worth in actually doing her job.

“You’re late,” Lillian Luthor points out, in no way attempting to hide her scrutiny.

“I know, I’m sorry. It won’t happen again,” Kara promises breathlessly. She’s still trying to get her breathing under control from running up the steps.

“I know.” The Luthor matriarch steps aside finally, allowing Kara entrance to her home. “Lena is in her room. Berta will show you. I don’t normally answer the door for late staff so don’t make me regret it.” Lillian Luthor hands her a key before continuing, “I care very much for my daughter and I trust you will care for her well. Make sure she doesn’t skip her meals. The rest of the instructions are in a binder in your room.”

Without waiting for a reply, Lillian Luthor turns around and strides off. She doesn’t seem to hear Kara asking her “my room?” behind her anymore.

Out of another hallway of the large house, an older woman appears.

“Miss Luthor’s room is this way, miss Danvers,” she tells Kara and she turns her back to her and walks back to the hallway she came from.

Kara quickly follows her and catches up to the woman – whom she presumes is Berta.

“My room?” Kara asks again.

“That’s right across the hallway from miss Luthor. Can’t miss it.”

“Why do I have a room?”

“Mrs. Luthor would rather not have you sleep in the living room. That lacks class and the house is big enough.”

“I have my own apartment in the city. I’m fine sleeping there.” One look at Berta makes it clear to Kara the Luthor’s are not fine with her sleeping there.  “I didn’t bring any of my stuff,” she weakly protests instead.

“You will find the essentials in your room already. Sunday is your day off and you’re free to go wherever you want and bring ‘your stuff’,” Berta says with an almost disgusted voice as if Kara’s ‘stuff’ is sickening. “If you need anything, you can call for me and I will have it arranged.”

They stop in front of a wooden double door and Kara couldn’t for the life of her remember how they got there in the first place. She knows she’s bound to get lost every time she roams the halls. The mansion is too big to memorise everything.

“Miss Luthor has been washed and dressed already,” Berta tells her, drawing her back to reality, “breakfast is served in the small dining room in fifteen minutes. Here’s the keys of the medicine cabinet, don’t lose sight of them. Don’t give them to miss Luthor.” Berta slips a small set of keys in Kara’s hand and opens the doors to reveal a large bedroom behind it. A four-poster bed on one side and a small sitting area in the other. Floor-to-ceiling windows bathe the room in light, making the dark figure sitting in front of one of them a stark contrast.

“Miss Luthor,” Berta says to the stiff figure who doesn’t respond, “this is miss Danvers. She will be taking over from Mr. Matthews.”

The dark figure remains seated and doesn’t acknowledge their presence in any way.

“Lunch is at one and dinner at seven. Tardiness is not appreciated,” Berta tells Kara before she makes her exit, closing the doors behind her and leaving Kara alone with the woman in the chair by the window.

“You’re late,” miss Luthor says. Her voice holds nothing of the bite Mrs. Luthor’s did, only placid disinterest.

“I know, I’m really sorry,” Kara tells her, awkwardly standing just beyond the doors, “but it won’t happen again. Apparently I’m moving in here so I don’t think I’ll be able to even if I wanted.” Her bad attempt at a light joke falls short and an uncomfortable silence follows. Kara shifts from one foot to the other several times, entirely unsure what etiquette would prescribe her to do.

After a few minutes the other woman rises from her chair and turns around. She walks to the doors, straight at Kara and still doesn’t really look at her. It’s then that it strikes Kara. Not the woman’s utter beauty like Kara had noticed in pictures she’d seen in the news years ago but the complete emptiness in her eyes. As if the real human inside the body has long since left.

Sharp cheek bones contrasted by dark circles beneath light eyes. Sunken in cheeks and clothing one or two sizes too big that look to be tailored perfectly to another person but certainly not to this woman. She looks uncomfortable in them. Kara can’t blame her; pencil skirts and perfectly pressed blouses don’t seem like the clothing one would wear for comfort. She seems even more uncomfortable in her own skin though.

Kara wonders what exactly happened a year ago, when an accident at LuthorCorp caused Lex Luthor, miss Luthor’s older brother, to be arrested and his little sister to disappear out of the public eye completely. Clearly not entirely out of free will for just wanting some solitude.

“Are you coming?” miss Luthor asks Kara who only now realises she’s probably been staring. It doesn’t seem like the dark-haired woman noticed though, patiently waiting in the doorway for Kara to follow her.

“Right, yes. Breakfast. Small dining room. I’m coming,” Kara rambles in an attempt to hide her daydreaming. She quickly follows suit and closes the doors behind her. This time, she does pay attention to where they’re going. It’s a lot easier when she’s not still flustered and doesn’t have someone sharing a lot of new information with her.

 

It’s a short walk to the small dining room. Kara wonders whether the regular dining room is the size of a football field with the sheer size of this ‘small’ one.

A long table fills the richly decorated space. Two plates are set with crisp pieces of bacon, toast with butter and eggs on them. Kara’s stomach lets out a loud rumble reminding her she hasn’t eaten breakfast yet herself and she makes a mental note to grab her pack of cookies when she has a moment to do so.

Seemingly out of nowhere, a server appears and pulls out one of the chairs for the youngest Luthor. He pulls out the second chair after that and Kara wonders where Lillian Luthor herself is. She doesn’t seem like the person to be late to anything, including breakfast.

“Ma’am,” the server says and Kara turns her head back from the door to him only to then see both him and miss Luthor looking at her.

“That’s… me?” Kara asks and is answered with twin nods.

“You do need to eat and mother would never trust me to eat alone,” miss Luthor dryly remarks. Kara gets the feeling there’s a story behind it but doesn’t dare ask, she probably won’t get an answer anyway.

Their glasses are filled with orange juice and a mug with steaming tea is placed above both plates. Kara is offered coffee, not missing the fact that her breakfast companion is not. She declines, she’s never been a coffee drinker anyway and it seems rude to accept when only she is being offered. The thought that Lena Luthor just doesn’t like coffee and the staff knows this does dross her mind but it doesn’t change her decision. Caffeine always makes her a little jumpy and she can’t afford another mistake after being late this morning.

In silence, they eat their breakfast. Kara’s not sure she’s ever had better. The eggs are perfect, not dry nor snotty. The bacon is as crisp as it looks and the toast is divine. She eats everything and only when she’s done does she realise how fast she’s eaten. The woman opposite her has only finished half of her eggs and toast, carefully cutting of pieces and taking small bites of them, and hasn’t even touched her bacon.

Kara patiently waits for her to finish, taking slow sips from her tea and getting a refill when she empties the mug. Her table companion doesn’t once look up, her eyes glued to her food but only seeming to really look when she’s putting a new bite on her fork. It gives Kara the chance to study miss Luthor again.

Her eyes roam from long, straight black hair falling over her shoulders to a sharp jaw. Shoulders straight but holding a tension to them as if she’d rather slump them but some reason can’t or won’t. Her eyes, though empty, seem to hide a vast sea of emotions and memories, and Kara tries to recall what she read about the LuthorCorp accident that has seemed to wreck this young woman and her family.

Kara can only remember there was an accident that killed several employees and injured even more. Lex was held responsible and ended up imprisoned but Lena Luthor was the one who was never heard from. She’d always been the one to try and keep out of the public eye, though with her name that was rather impossible.

She seemed a lot happier before though, even if it meant making public appearances and having her life probably seem like public property sometimes. She’d still done a rather good job at keeping her personal life private. Kara never found any information on her that seemed remotely credible. There were rumours of course, she’d supposedly been engaged to three different men but she’d also publicly denied this when asked.

Cutlery scrapes on a plate and Kara looks at the woman across from her again. Her glass and mug empty, her plate holding only the still untouched bacon. Miss Luthor looks finished though, her knife and fork placed sideways on her plate.

“Err, you mother told me to make sure you eat so I think you should maybe also finish your bacon,” Kara says tentatively. A look of disgust that disappears before Kara can be sure that is what she’s seeing appears on the woman’s face. It’s followed by one Kara certainly can’t place, even though it stays longer before it makes room for the empty and placid look again.

“Of course she did,” miss Luthor replies, picking up her cutlery again and prodding her food. She visibly steals herself before cautiously bringing her fork with a piece of bacon on it to her mouth.

Before she can take a bite, Kara interrupts her, “you don’t like bacon?”

Again, a look Kara can’t place crosses the woman’s face. A different one this time. Green eyes stare at her for a long time, presumably trying to read her. The fork with bacon still floating in the air halfway to her mouth. Finally, she seems to make up her mind.

“No, I don’t.”

Kara contemplates what to do for a moment, looking between unreadable green eyes and the few strips of bacon before making a decision. She might be working for Lillian Luthor, if she has to share three meals a day and all time in between with her daughter it’s probably best to keep her on friendly terms. And she doesn’t seem like she will tell her mother anyway. Kara signs for the ravenette to hand over her plate. She’s met with shocked and disbelieving eyes.

“I’ll finish your bacon and get you something else later if you won’t tell anyone,” Kara says, hand still outstretched over the table and waiting for the plate to be handed over, “and I’ll ask them not to make bacon for breakfast anymore.”

One scrutinising look later, the plate is hesitantly handed over. Kara hands her own empty plate back lest someone come in and notice. A minute later, both plates are empty and Kara is still being stared at with a strange – though still partly empty, Kara doesn’t think that emptiness will leave those green eyes anytime soon – look of wonder and disbelief. It’s almost as if this is the first time someone does the woman a favour.

When Kara meets her gaze, it’s quickly averted and her pale hands move to the handkerchief next to her plate, which she uses to pat the corners of her mouth. Kara, not used to this life style, simply copies her, glad she did so when the white fabric comes back stained.

Miss Luthor – “Lena, please” – proves not very talkative throughout the day, only addressing Kara when needed. She seems to be perfectly capable of taking care of herself, reminding Kara when she needs her medication, of mealtime and other activities scheduled throughout the day.

In the afternoon, she dismisses Kara, shutting her out by opening a large book and curling up in a corner of her own bedroom. The only corner the sun doesn’t reach, Kara notices. Kara can’t really blame her for getting some alone time. It must be rough spending every waking moment with a stranger who is essentially a glorified babysitter.

Kara uses the free time to read the large folder left in her bedroom. She quickly learns why Lena is not allowed access to her own meds and pieces together the most likely reason her bedroom is on the ground floor. It doesn’t take a genius to draw the most probable conclusion from having one’s stomach pumped due to an overdose, a broken leg from a supposedly accidental fall from a second story balcony and a note saying Lena is not to be allowed access to sharp objects.

Kara’s heart aches from the young woman, clearly troubled and being stuck with someone as untrained and inexperienced as Kara. From that moment on she ups her efforts of making everything as easy as possible for Lena. She keeps trading food with her, Lena’s chicken for Kara’s avocado, Lena’s steak for a part of Kara’s potatoes and green beans, Lena’s salmon for Kara’s cauliflower with cheese sauce.

 

After a few days, Kara notices the pattern and asks the cook for vegetarian meals. She’s answered with a sour look but her request is being granted and for the first time since Kara arrived at the Luthor manor, Lena doesn’t eye her food with tired compliance. Kara even catches her curiously looking up as if wanting to ask Kara about the sudden change in meals but not daring to.

Another few days and Kara learns not-so-talkative-Lena is Lena having a good day. On her first bad day Kara experiences she has to practically drag Lena out of bed, shower and dress her. It is then she notices the large burn marks on her back, stomach and legs and a large jagged scar running across her thigh looking big enough to have nearly cost her her leg. The moment Lena notices Kara staring, she folds in on herself and Kara feels beyond guilty for making her even more self-conscious. She fights the blush creeping up her cheeks as she hands Lena her clothing and turns around.

When she asks her whether she’s dressed, she doesn’t receive a reply and after a few minutes of building up courage, she turns around hoping Lena is at least wearing something. She is, though barely. Her skirt is unzipped and her blouse unbuttoned and sticking out of the skirt in odd places. Kara nudges her up from her chair and fixes her outfit, gently tucking Lena’s ducktail in and buttoning up her shirt, trying to send Lena reassuring smiles as she does so.

Lena doesn’t talk that day, spending her free time sitting wherever Kara leaves her behind and staring straight ahead with unseeing eyes. She doesn’t eat either and Kara forces herself to try and make Lena eat something, soon enough regretting it when, right after the meal, Lena throws everything back up.

That night, Kara dives into the darkest corners of the world wide web to look up what happened to Lena and ways to help her. Both of them prove very difficult and impossible in one night.

The details of the LuthorCorp are probably the family’s best kept secret and Kara knows a family like this one is bound to have multiple rotting corpses buried in their garden. All she can find is that the accident was devastating, nearly blowing off an entire wing of LuthorCorp. It’s a miracle there even were any survivors in the first place. Lena being one of the few of them, flown to the country’s best hospital in critical condition and remaining so for several weeks. The last to be declared stable. Lex long since arrested and awaiting trial. Lillian publicly announced Lena would continue her recovery at home.

A few weeks later, Kara learns about one of those buried corpses. She realises every single bad day Lena has is on the day of or one day after having breakfast with her mother or having therapy. Lillian sees her ‘beloved’ daughter once a week. Kara is asked to join once and the chill in the air between the two Luthor women goes bone deep. Kara might have called Lena cold – before she realised Lena’s not necessarily cold bur rather still hurting deeply and slightly detached somehow – but Lillian Luthor has her beat by a long shot. There’s definitely more to the relationship than meets the eye. Kara’s found the corpse but it’s not dug up yet.

A second night of internet searching, Kara finds a picture taken only a few weeks before the explosion. LuthorCorp’s R&D engineering team had just made a breakthrough and were celebrating. The picture shows a rosy-cheeked Lena, hugging two of her co-workers, her arms wrapped around their shoulders, a few more members of the team holding champagne glasses and cheering in the background.

Kara concludes these are – were – Lena’s friends. Lena is the only one of her team who survived. No one knows how, the explosion seemed to originate in their lab. Lena should’ve been torn to shreds. Kara guesses she often wishes she had. That is probably what survivor’s guilt is. Survivor’s guilt combined with the trauma of seeing your friends and co-workers blow up. Losing their life in the blink of an eye.


	2. Chapter 2

Kara had underestimated how incredibly tough this job would be. Not because Lena’s is the brat she was rumoured to be – she’s surprisingly accommodating and though a little stubborn at times, she always gives in eventually. Nor because she feels highly unqualified, which she is but time and again Alex has reassured her she’s doing everything she can and even she did have more education in this area she probably wouldn’t be able to do much more. Lena has her own doctor and therapist and Kara is just there to make sure she goes to her appointments and takes her meds.

No, it’s mainly because of how much everything in her life has changed. Adjusting is a lot harder than she expected and she misses her friends and family, her old life, dearly. Her nights are extremely lonely. She cries herself to sleep more often than not lately. Having Sundays of hardly seems enough, locked in the same four walls the remainder of the week, away from everyone and even then, she finds it hard to leave Lena behind when she’s allowed to.

Like always when she doesn’t really know what to do, Kara calls Alex. She misses her sister so much but Sunday is still a long way away and she’s on the verge of tears by the time Alex picks up the phone.

_“Alex,”_ her sister says as if Kara wouldn’t know who she’s calling.

“Alex, it’s Kara.” It takes Kara a lot more effort to keep it together than she thought she’d need but she has to. It’s still early in the night and Lena is right across the hallway. There’s still staff roaming the halls and Kara doesn’t want anyone to witness her breakdown.

_“Hey Kar. What’s wrong?”_ Kara really can’t keep anything from her sister. They’re too in tune for her to keep her feelings and thoughts secret from Alex. Alex always knows.

“I just-” Kara takes a shaky breath- “I miss you.”

“I miss you too, kiddo. Only a few more days!”

“Yeah.” Kara lets out a breathy chuckle. She’d forgotten she promised Alex she’d come over for dinner and movies.

“Just hang in there. Are you taking care of yourself?”

“Mhmm.”

“I don’t mean if you eat three times a day. I mean, do you take time for yourself. Do you care for yourself?”

“I- Right.” Kara frowns, thinking about whether she really cares for herself.

“What did you do last Sunday?”

Kara is left speechless for a moment, unsure of what she did and unable to reproduce an answer.

“Sundays are your only days off, Kar. You got to use them for you. You’re always welcome here but you could also do something there. Enjoy some alone time. Go for a walk, read a book in the park, explore town. As long as you do it for you. Are you okay, Kara?” Alex adds after Kara remains quiet for probably too long a time.

She inhales sharply, supressing a sob because Alex cares so much about her. Alex always knows what Kara needs, she gives the best advice and never gets angry at her for calling at odd hours.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” Kara replies after a few steadying breaths. “I’m glad I could talk to you.”

“That’s what sisters are for, right? And I like knowing you’re not dead because then I wouldn’t have anyone to tease about eating sandwiches with marshmallow and peanut butter,” Alex jokes. It gets a laugh out of Kara and she immediately feels infinitely better.

They talk a little longer, easier banter that fulfils Kara’s social needs for now. That reminds her who she is and who she has in her life; her sister, Sam, Ruby, her friends. They tease each other and talk about both their jobs and Alex’s family, make plans for another game night – day really because that’s all Kara can manage with this new job.

The sun has long since set by the time they say goodnight. Alex makes Kara promise to call if she needs it, no matter the time of day – or night. Kara gives her word and thanks Alex another dozen times for listening to her and giving advice.

Tonight, her heart isn’t as heavy anymore. She’s glad for the people in her life and even manages to fall asleep with a small smile gracing her lips as she dreams of her and Alex chasing each other around in the ocean behind their childhood home.

From then on, Kara uses her Sundays for herself. She explores the local hiking trails and finds some beautiful and quiet spots to read or just think. She meets with friends, has dinner with Alex and Sam, takes Ruby to the arcade and visits her adoptive mother. It really helps and Alex is right. No need to feel guilty over leaving Lena behind. She can’t take care of someone else when she doesn’t take care of herself first.

 

Kara has been working there for weeks and she feels more lost than ever when she enters Lena’s room to change the sheets and instead of finding an empty room – Lena usually spent her Tuesday mornings in the library – she finds Lena kneeling on the floor, slumped again the side of the couch crying. Body wrecking sobs spilling out of her, her slender fingers completely white from clutching at her legs, trying to find something to hold on to.

“Lena?” Kara asks, slowly making her way over and trying not to startle her but Lena doesn’t even seem to notice.

Kara kneels down across from her, unsure if she should reach out. Eventually she chooses not to so Lena can decide if she wants it herself. Kara’s eyes drift away from Lena and fall on a picture lying next to her. It’s Lena with the two people Kara had found online, only here Lena is leaning against the other woman, both looking at the man who’s wearing a goofy hat. Their faces smiling brightly. A memory of happier times.

Eventually, Lena’s sobs die down leaving her puffy-eyed and looking even more exhausted than normal. Kara quietly guides her to her bed, stripping Lena out of her uncomfortable clothing and tucking her in, adding the weighted anxiety blanket she’s bought earlier that week in hopes of it giving Lena some added comfort.

When Kara turns to leave, pale fingers weakly wrap around her wrist. “Stay, please?” Lena croaks softly, voice still hoarse from crying.

Kara nods and sits down on the edge of Lena’s bed. She looks down at the pale woman who only now slowly seems to relax and Kara is left wondering if the reason she looks so tired is because she can’t sleep alone.

Her features soften, taking away the weight of the world that always seems to rest on Lena’s tense shoulders. She looks much younger, more like the girl in the pictures though with a more sunken in face and darker circles beneath her eyes. As soon as Lena is sound asleep, Kara moves one of the chairs next to the bed and sits there reading a book until Lena starts to wake up.

In silence, the ravenette dresses herself and they walk to the dining room for lunch. Kara doesn’t bring up what happened, too afraid to trigger another bout of sadness in Lena.

The silence lasts until Kara has nearly finished her vegetarian avocado salad, several leaves of kale plucked out and donated to Lena who actually seems to like the horrid vegetable.

“Thank you,” Lena says with such earnest in her eyes the emptiness is nearly drowned out. It clearly goes beyond thanking Kara for staying while she slept. It is a thank you for arranging food Lena likes, for helping Lena when she can’t do something herself. A thank you for more than Kara probably realises. It carries so much sincerity, Kara feels like every response is too little.  
“You’re welcome,” she settles on. “You know, if you ever need to, you can talk to me.”

Lena nods and falls back into silence again. Though she doesn’t take Kara up on her offer and remains silent for the remainder of the day, it still feels like something’s changed between them. Something improved.

 

On one of their walks across the gardens of the Luthor mansion – Lena needs sunlight and fresh air and she never leaves the large property so they’re limited to walking in the large fields behind the house – Lena surprises Kara by asking her if she has siblings. IT’s the first time Lena has shown interest in Kara in any other way than Kara being the one to supply her meds or trade her food with.

“I do,” Kara replies, watching the wind rustle the leaves of the nearest tree. “I have a sister.”

Lena lets a brief silence follow before asking her next question, “Older or younger?”

“Older. Only by a year even though she likes to pretend otherwise.”

A small, though slightly sad, smile plays at the corners of Lena’s lips and it hits Kara this is probably the first time she’s seen Lena smile – or even show any other emotion than a negative or neutral one – since starting to work for her all those weeks ago. This might even be the first time Lena has smiled at all in that time, or longer.

Kara feels like she’s given a unique glimpse at the real Lena. The Lena hiding behind the pain and sadness. So when Lena doesn’t say anything else, doesn’t ask a next question, Kara asks one of her own, “do you want me to tell more about her?”

At Lena’s hesitant nod, Kara starts telling her whatever comes to mind about Alex. “She’s a medical scientist. She’s been working on a new drug. I think. To be honest, I only understand about ten percent of what she says when she talks about work. But I don’t mind because she looks really happy when she does so, her eyes start twinkling and she just lights up when I ask her about it,” Kara tells Lena as they wind their way over narrow paths to the back of the lavish garden. Kara occasionally glances at Lena, looking for any sign to stop talking, any sign she’s making Lena uncomfortable, but Lena looks more peaceful than ever, even without the small smile.

“She will take every opportunity to tease me but I guess that’s what big sisters are for. It also seems to be her life goal to put me in as awkward situations as possible and she always brings up my most embarrassing moments.”

A faraway look glazes Lena’s eyes for a moment and Kara is reminded of the fact Lena’s own brother, who she actually grew up with for her whole childhood, was held accountable for everything that caused her this hurt. For killing her friends and colleagues.

Lena quickly snaps out of it, though, and shifts her jaw a little as if she’s unsure about talking. Kara stays silent, giving Lena the opportunity to gather her thoughts and decide whether she wants to share with Kara.

“It was her birthday,” she finally says. Voice barely above a whisper. “Jess’s.”

“The girl in the picture?” Kara asks when she thinks she has pieced together Lena is talking about the day Kara found her crying by the couch a few days ago.

Lena lets out a soft sound of agreement.

“I’m sorry. It must be really hard to lose your best friend.”

Lena suddenly stops dead in her tracks, Kara stopping a few paces later and turning around confused. Lena visibly shakes a thought off and catches up with Kara again. “Best friend, yet,” she says with a forlorn look tainted with something Kara can’t place.

They finish their walk in silence. Kara doesn’t know what Lena meant and doesn’t want to say the wrong thing. The silence doesn’t seem to bother Lena though, probably very used to it by now.

“Do you want me to maybe take you to her grave so you can visit her and leave some flowers?” Kara suggests when the mansion starts growing near again.

Lena swallows hard, casts her gaze down and shakes her head. Kara gets the feeling there’s more behind the gesture but doesn’t pry.

“Okay. If you ever do want to visit, or go anywhere else for that matter, just let me know and I can drive you.”

Lena nods but keeps her head down.

On her next free Sunday, Kara visits the grave of Jessica Huang alone with a nice bouquet of flowers. It wasn’t hard to find out who ‘Jess’ exactly is and after a short search Kara had also learned in what cemetery she was buried.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the longest chapter of this story so I hope you guys enjoy it. 
> 
> Thanks for all the sweet comments! I really appreciate them, even though I might take a while to respond (I like to reply using a computer and I usually read them on my phone so there's a delay between me reading (and loving) them and me replying)
> 
> For anyone waiting for an update on my (other) ongoing stories: I'm trying but I haven't really even gotten myself to open my laptop some days so ya know, might be a while before I actually can get the writing going and have the energy for it. I'll try after this so we'll see if I can manage...

Lena has another one of her mute days. They’ve become rarer as Lena grows more comfortable with Kara. Not that she doesn’t have bad days anymore but usually she doesn’t shut Kara out completely, at least acknowledging her presence.

Kara should, thus, have been prepared for the worst when Lena needs her to dress her and doesn’t utter a single word or give any sign of noticing Kara’s presence. Kara should have been ready for the worst but she didn’t realise until it has already happened. Not the absolute worst, granted, Lena could have done a lot worse still. But it’s bad nonetheless.

Kara knocks on Lena’s doors with her next dose of meds ready and pushes them open a few moments later, knowing Lena won’t answer today yet still giving her the time to prepare for Kara entering. She’s met with such a sad sight, it almost feels like her heart tears in two.

Lena is slumped over the edge of the couch, hand clutching the broken neck of a liquor bottle. A thin stream of blood seeps through her fingers and drips on the floor, mixing with the dark liquid once contained by the broken glass. The puddle is small for the size of the bottle and the glassy look in Lena’s eyes gives away where the rest went. It takes a moment for Lena’s eyes to settle and focus on Kara and when they do, tears nearly come spilling out again, trying to join their brethren in the by now dried tracks on Lena’s cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” the ravenette mumbles, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” She drops the broken bottle and tries to sit up, rubbing the bloody hand in her eye, leaving read smears on her face.

Kara hurries over to her, keeps her from tipping off the couch when Lena threatens to over-balance.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Kara tells her as she carefully pries Lena’s fist open to look at the damage. An ugly cut runs across her palm, the edged jagged an gaping and Kara knows she needs stitches for it.

“I’m really sorry,” Lena hiccups, burrowing her face in Kara’s shoulder. “It just hurt so so much.”

“I know, I know you’re hurting.” Kara lifts Lena’s face away from her body and looks in the eye. “How about tomorrow we try and find a better solution together? One that helps when it hurts too much. One that doesn’t hurt you even more.”

“Yes,” Lena says around her tears, holding onto Kara’s arms with both hands, unbothered by the gash in hers. Too drunk to notice. Kara frees Lena’s hand, wincing at the deep red stain left behind on her sleeve. It’s a lot more blood than she thought.

“I think you need stitches for that,” Kara says as she holds Lena’s hand up for her to see.

Lena gasps, “that’s my hand?! That’s deep.”

Kara has to keep her from prodding at the cut with her other curious hand. “Yes, it is. That’s why you need stitches.”

“I can almost see my bones.” Lena is lost in staring at her hand for a while, not noticing Kara carefully cleaning some of the now drying blood off her face and pulling her to her feet and out the door. Kara presses a towel in her hand, winding it around the hurt one and telling Lena, “hold on tight for me,” as she guides her out, keeping an eye out for Lillian or any of the staff.

“I don’t want to go to the doctor,” Lena protests when she realises they’re walking to the cars. “I don’t want to. Please don’t take me there. Please don’t make me go.” Lena stops dead in her tracks and nearly collapses sobbing again.

“Lena, you need stitches.”

“Please, please, please,” Lena whimpers softly, her voice so small and broken Kara really can’t tell her she has to. She really doesn’t have the heart to make Lena face what at the moment seems like her biggest fear.

Lena does need stitches though. The wound might not be bad enough to make her bleed out but Kara is certain it will get infected and leave a very ugly scar if it’s not checked out. She thinks for a moment, bringing Lena’s good arm around her shoulder so she doesn’t tip over.

“You don’t have to go to the hospital,” Kara says when she’s thought of a solution.

Lena immediately stops sobbing, eyes going wide at Kara’s words. “Really?” she asks hopefully.

“Really. But you’re still getting stitches.”

Kara puts Lena in the back of her car and buckles her seatbelt, telling her to sit still. She could’ve called for one of their drivers but she doesn’t want to make someone an accomplice to their current adventure. An adventure Lillian Luthor would certainly not approve of. The drive probably won’t be long, outside of rush hour the streets aren’t busy mostly, but hopefully it gives Kara enough time to make a phone call.

“Alex? I need a favour.”

 

Thankfully, Lena is a rather cooperative drunk, allowing Alex to clean and stitch up the wound fairly quickly without much fussing.

“You have really soft fingers,” Lena says as Alex wraps a bandage around her hand.

“Err, thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Lena stares in awe as Alex wraps the bandage several times and sticks it close with a piece of tape.

When Sam walks up to them with a glass of water, Lena’s eyes land on her knees first and slowly rake their way up. Her neck craned back as far as possible by the time her eyes reach Sam’s face. “Woah,” she utters, “are you a giant?”

“No,” Sam chuckles, “I’m just tall.”

“Okay.” Lena turns to Alex again. “I know you’re not a real doctor but that’s okay.”

Alex opens her mouth to throw a jab back, visibly offended even though Lena is far too drunk to be taken seriously.

“Do you know how I know?” Lena asks before Alex can form any words. “Because you’re so nice. Real doctors aren’t nice.”

Alex raises an eyebrow at Kara, who shrugs in return. She knows Lena doesn’t like therapy days but she’s never actually mentioned anything bad about her doctor or any of the other ones who used to treat her.

“Kara,” Lena whispers loud enough for everyone to hear, “are you sure you didn’t take me to a fairy tale house?”

“I’m sure.” Kara has to hold her breath to keep from laughing at Lena. She really does feel bad for her and doesn’t want to make fun of her.

“Really? Because I’ve already seen a fairy, a princess, a giant and now there’s a dwarf too.”

When everyone realises Lena is looking at Ruby in the doorway, Alex huffs, “our daughter is not a dwarf!”

“She’s short,” Lena points out.

“She’s a kid.”

“Oh. That explains.” Lena averts her eyes from Ruby, attention already lost to something else.

“I think that’s our cue to leave,” Kara steps in.

“Wait,” Alex says, grabbing Kara’s wrist. “Sam, can you make sure she doesn’t hurt herself even more? Rubes, please wait in your room for a few minutes.”

“I’m twelve. I’m basically a grownup. I want to stay.”

“If you listen to your mama and go to your room we can go get ice cream later,” Sam bribes her and with a huff and groan Ruby disappears to her room.

Alex pulls Kara to the side, turning to face her and speaking in a hushed voice, “what kind of meds is she on? A cut like that isn’t supposed to bleed that much, even with the amount of alcohol she’s probably had.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Kara says surprised. “I don’t know anything about meds.

“Do you have a list or remember some names? It’s probably nothing but maybe she needs something to help with clotting. She’ll probably be fine,” Alex rushes to reassure Kara at the scared look in her eyes.

“I don’t know. Wait! Yes. I took a picture of her medication list in case I forgot or lost it. Let me look it up.” Kara searches on her phone for the picture and pushes it in Alex’s hands when she’s found it. Her sister meticulously reads the list and looks up some of the unfamiliar names in and on her phone and even googles some.

“Are you sure these are her meds?” she eventually asks, her brow furrowed in bewilderment.

“One hundred percent. Why?”

“Kara, these aren’t meds for someone with mental health issues.”

“Huh. I’m sure Lena’s doctor prescribed these to her. What are they then for? Maybe there was a mix-up?”

“Most of these are given to extremely difficult institutionalised patients who will never get out because they’re really unstable. They’re supposed to make them less aggressive and more compliant. And this one-” Alex points at one of the names on the list- “isn’t even registered. I can’t find it anywhere so I’d have to look in more obscure places but I don’t think Lena should even be getting them. Or most of the others for that matter.”

“Why would she get them if they’re not making her better?”

“Beats me, Kara. Maybe because they make her more docile and easier to deal with.”

“But why not try to make her better?”

“I don’t know. Maybe ask the person who prescribed them.”

Kara nods and walks back over to Lena, who is feeling up Sam’s face, apparently to confirm she’s not a giant.

“Lena, please leave my sister-in-law alone,” Kara says, taking her hands and helping her up.

“Sister-in-law?” Lena looks between Sam and Alex with big eyes. “You’re married?”

“Yes, they are. Now let’s leave them alone so they can have dinner with their family.”

“Does your mother know?” Lena whispers conspiratorially to Alex.

“She does. Speaking of, Kara, mom says hi and was hoping you’d come to Ruby’s party so she can finally see you again.”

“Sure! I won’t miss my favourite niece’s party. Send me her wish list, will you?” Kara requests as she gently leads Lena outside.

“She’s your only niece.”

“Still my favourite.”

Kara puts Lena back in her car and fastens her seatbelt before quickly running back to the house to hug Alex, Sam and Ruby – who snuck out of her room – goodbye.

 

About halfway through their drive, Kara notices Lena is being oddly quiet for a drunk who couldn’t sit still on the drive over. When she looks in her rear-view mirror to sneak a peek, she notices a heavy crinkle in Lena’s brow and an extremely serious yet also adorable look on her face.

“What’s wrong Lena?”

“Your sister is gay.”

Kara suddenly remembers the Luthor’s reputation of extreme homophobia and regrets taking Lena to Alex. She prepares for the worst as she replies, “yes.”

“And your mother knows.”

“Yes.” Kara wonders where this conversation is going, the brooding look on Lena’s face only intensifying.

“And she’s okay with it?”

“She is.”

“I bet she’s nice.” Lena averts her eyes and looks out the window, leaving Kara to stare at her in confusion. Kara shakes her head, clearing her mind and focusses on the road again.

“She is. She’s very nice. The best. Took me in like I was her own daughter when my parents died,” Kara tells her, feeling like if she doesn’t fill the silence Lena’s demons will.

“You’re adopted.”

The lack of judgement in Lena’s voice and slight awe makes Kara share more than she would’ve any other time, “mhmm, when I was thirteen but I don’t really talk about it a lot.”

“Me too,” Lena admits softly. Another one of those rotting corpses, Kara thinks. “When I was four and my birth mom died. But Lionel is my real dad. I found out a few years ago, right before he died. I don’t think Lillian ever wanted me.”

Kara is beginning to see Lena might not be such a beloved daughter to Lillian and only an inconvenience. If Lillian had her way, she would probably have traded Lena’s freedom for Lex’s a long time ago. Actually has, taking Lena’s freedom because Lex couldn’t have his by locking her away in the Luthor manor.

They pull up to the house and solemnly make their way inside. Kara leaves Lena in her room with the instructions to put on her pyjamas while she goes to the kitchen to get Lena something that resembles dinner.

When Lena’s done eating and has taken her meds – because even though it feels wrong, Kara doesn’t dare make her stop taking them without consent from an actual doctor – Kara takes her to the bathroom and cleans her up as well as possible. Lena will have to take thorough shower in the morning when she’s sobered up but for now this will do.

Kara helps Lena to her bed and tucks her in. She moves to flick of the light switch when Lena’s voice stops her, “will you read to me?”

“Oh. Err. Sure. What do you want me to read?”

Lena shrugs, rustling the blankets with her movement, so Kara grabs the first book within reach and starts reading.

Lena shifts a little, yawns and tells Kara, “I don’t think my meds mix well with alcohol.”

Kara chuckles a little. “No, I don’t think they do. Just try to sleep, okay?”

“Okay.”

Before Kara finishes reading the rest of the page to Lena, the ravenette is already fast asleep. Kara retreats to her own room after visiting the kitchen for some food of her own but it takes her a lot longer to fall asleep. She keeps mulling over what Alex said about Lena’s meds and eventually shoots her a text to ask if she can find out what the unregistered drug is for. It doesn’t sit right with her and Kara feels like this might be only the tip of the iceberg of yet another rotting corpse. The ugliest so far.

 

The next morning Kara and a slightly hungover Lena talk about what to do next time Lena feels that bad again. Lena is back to her mostly indifferent self and it takes some effort from Kara to really get through to her and make sure she understands their deal and is willing to uphold her end of telling Kara as soon as she starts feeling bad so they can figure it out in that moment, since Lena doesn’t seem to feel anything for Kara’s other possible solutions.

Later that night, Alex sends her an extensive email with everything she’s found out, including some comments from a doctor-friend of hers, and it leaves Kara reeling. The known drugs Lena uses should have never been given to her in the first place, save for one or two that might be prescribed for an actual good reason. The unknown drug, however, makes Kara nearly lose her faith in humanity, and that says a lot because she always sees the best in people.

Alex writes it has taken her some deep digging and calling in a favour with an old friend to finally get a list of possible uses. All unofficial.

Kara reads through it and immediately casts the first few options aside but the fourth option takes her breath away. It fits perfectly with what she’s learned so far, making some puzzle pieces fall into place that had been floating around before. It doesn’t mean this is the reason, but it’s a strong contender and even if it this isn’t why Lena got the drugs, the other options don’t give Kara much hope either. This requires a little more prying from her. Her first target: Lena’s doctor.

 

After Lena’s next appointment, instead of picking her up outside the little room on the other side of the manor, Kara enters it.

“Ah, miss Danvers. Still here I see,” the doctor says as if he’d long since expected her to have quit.

“Yes,” Kara answers coldly. “Lena, could you wait outside for a moment? I have some questions for your doctor.” Kara purposefully refrains from addressing him and giving him the option to decline her demand. Lena silently obeys and leaves Kara with her doctor, closing the door behind her with a click.

“Doctor Lord,” Kara starts but immediately gets cut off.

“Miss Danvers, have a seat. I’m glad you have some time to discuss miss Luthor’s treatment and therapy. Seeing you’re still working for her, you must have somehow gotten through to her. She’s very uncooperative during therapy and I hope you can change that.” He leans forward over the desk, fingers clasped together as he rests his elbows on the smooth surface. “otherwise I will have to discuss other options with miss Luthor. I was thinking about having her admitted to my private institution to effectively treat her.”

“What are you treating her for exactly?” Kara bluntly asks, already disliking the smug man.

“Miss Luthor has some unhealthy habits and preferences and is very sick.”

“Unhealthy preferences?”

“Yes, she seems to believe she’s a homosexual.” The way he spits out the word as if it really is a disease makes something snap inside Kara.

“You’re trying to make her be attracted to men when that’s not something you change or Lena even seems to want to change when she needs real help?!” Kara angrily gets up and slams both her hands on his desk.

“Now now, miss Danvers. I believe miss Luthor will greatly benefit from changing these unhealthy thought processes.”

“I disagree. If you can’t see that I don’t think you should be the one to treat her.”

“That’s not your decision to make, thankfully.”

“I believe it is. I work for miss Luthor and my job description clearly states to care for her and always put her health and wellbeing first. That includes finding her a doctor who is actually trying to make her better and not make her a different person by drugging her up.” She turns around and ignores the doctor trying to call her back, slamming the door close behind her and pulling Lena with her with a little more force than strictly necessary.

“You’re not seeing him again,” she declares as she dumps Lena in a chair in the small dining room. She needs to let out her anger and not on Lena.

Ten minutes later, she joins Lena again at the now set dining table, having screamed some of her frustration away in her pillow. Lena doesn’t say anything, though she looks slightly less crestfallen than normally after therapy. Kara’s mind works a million miles an hour to piece everything together and figure out what steps to take now. How to approach this best. A little thought starts to itch in the back of her mind and doesn’t seem willing to leave her alone.

“Jess wasn’t just your best friend, was she?” she eventually asks when she can’t push the thought away anymore.

Lena gets a deer-caught-in-headlights look in her face so Kara quickly apologises, “sorry. I didn’t mean to make you tell me something so personal but I couldn’t shake the thought. My sister is gay too and there’s nothing wrong with that. I just wanted to know to make sure, with what doctor Lord said. I got curious. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.” She fumbles with her glasses a little and casts her eyes down, turning back to her when Lena doesn’t respond. _Way to go, Kara_ , she chastises herself.

“No.” Lena’s response startles Kara a little. “She was my girlfriend.” Lena doesn’t meet Kara’s eyes when the blonde lifts her head, her eyes cast on her food and her face solemn.

“I’m sorry.” It’s all Kara can really offer and it’s not enough. It’s nowhere near enough and it never will be. She should’ve caught on earlier. She should’ve seen it and intervened sooner. Now, she has so much to make up to Lena, she doesn’t think it’s possible in a lifetime.

“Lena?” Kara asks after a long silence.

Lena looks up and waits for Kara to continue.

“Would you be okay with seeing another doctor? A friend of my sister who will really help to try and make you better,” Kara quickly adds when she sees Lena freeze and is reminded of her reaction to having to see a doctor for getting stitches when she was drunk.

Lena’s eyes stare straight into Kara’s soul, prying away each layer with a piercing gaze until she’s gotten to her true core. Then, she hesitantly nods. Kara has come a long way already from the woman who wouldn’t even look at her, let alone agree to something so bold.

“Thank you. I will discuss it with Mrs. Luthor too.”

Lena’s face falls at the mention of her mother but she never objects or brings it up again. Kara files her reaction away for later, going to the Luthor matriarch anyway but preparing to disregard anything she says.

 

Lena’s initial reaction at the mention of her mother proves to a just one. Lillian Luthor coldly dismisses Kara when she tries to bring up Lena’s inappropriate therapy.

“Lena is a very sick girl,” Lillian Luthor tells Kara with a stone face, “and thus she is being treated to change that. You may leave.” Mrs. Luthor looks back at the paperwork on her sleek wooden desk and continues working only to look up several moments later, poorly hiding her surprise when Kara hasn’t moved to oblige.

“Being gay is not a disease Mrs. Luthor.”

“Good thing you’re not her doctor, miss Danvers, because you would be terrible at it. Lena has been diagnosed by and is under treatment of a licensed doctor and I don’t see mention of a medical degree in your files.”

“Err, uhm,” Kara stutters, “Lena is no longer under treatment of doctor Lord.”

“What do you mean, silly girl? Of course she is.”

“No. I fired him.” If looks could kill, Kara would surely have died one thousand times over right now but she swallows heavily and keeps talking.  “I was hired to protect Lena’s health and she was not improving from his treatment. I’m taking her to another licensed doctor.” Kara lifts her chin, clenches her jaw and walks away, leaving a ferocious Lillian behind.

Only when she’s outside does she realise this little stunt might have just cost her her job and any chance of helping Lena get better. However, Lillian doesn’t come after her nor does Kara hear anything of her – or any of the other staff – about it for the rest of the day. Or the day after. Somehow, Kara has seemed to be able to keep her job. Maybe because she’s the only one willing to put up with Lena this long and the one Lena is willing to put up with.

 

One more favour of Alex, and the promise to watch Ruby for an entire week in summer, later, Kara has made an appointment with a potential new doctor for Lena. The doctor being Alex’s old fling slash girlfriend only a minor bump in the road, hence the promise to watch Ruby. Alex and Sam are both rooting for Lena to get some real help, though. They’ve somehow gotten attached to the girl they’ve only met once when she clearly wasn’t in the right mind.

It takes another while for the appointment to actually take place, even big favours and some money – from Lena’s therapy account – can’t clear a doctor’s schedule overnight and Kara has to admit she sees it as a good sign. It shows doctor Sawyer really cares about her patients and won’t just bail on them.

Every day until the appointment, Kara has to fight herself to give Lena her meds. She feels morally obliged to stop giving them but she also knows stopping medication cold-turkey without any doctor’s advice is an even worse idea. Lena has taken them this long and it’s only a few more days.

When the much awaited – at least by Kara – day finally arrives, Lena has another one of her mute days. Kara had expected it but somehow it’s still a surprise. She’d been looking forward to Lena finally having an appointment with a doctor willing to help her get better instead of putting her down and calling her sick for something she can’t change, nor should want to. The ravenette does not seem to agree with her, however. Barely eating and not moving unless Kara asks her to, reluctantly getting in the little car for the drive over.

Kara does understand her being overwhelmed. In all the time Kara has worked for her, Lena has only left the premise once. Drunk.

The drive over is a quiet one. With each mile they gain, Lena seems to retreat into herself more, silently staring out the window without focussing on anything.

Kara parks her car amongst a few sleek black ones. Ones that look a lot like the cars used to drive Lillian Luthor around if you ask her. She doesn’t know a lot about cars but they’re all black, extremely clean and look very expensive.

As usual, Lena doesn’t make a move to get out and this time, neither does Kara.

“Lena,” she says, turning her head to the woman in the passenger seat, “I know this must be difficult for you. You don’t like doctors and after meeting doctor Lord I understand why but can you please give this a fair chance? Doctor Sawyer is not doctor Lord and I really want you to get better and I know she can help. Please don’t write it off before trying.”

Lena looks back at Kara for a moment, her eyes not giving away any of her thoughts or feelings but Kara swears she sees something akin to hope briefly flicker in them before Lena averts her gaze again. Kara hopes she got through to her, at least enough to not make this visit completely useless. She doesn’t feel like there’s anything else she can do and before her mind can take over with thoughts on how Lena probably feels or how powerless Lena is – so much more so than Kara and she already feels overwhelmingly powerless at times – she opens her door and locks the car when Lena’s exited too.

 

After fifty nerve-wrecking minutes waiting next to the ugliest plant Kara has ever seen, she’s finally called back into doctor Sawyer’s office. She nervously sits down in the free chair next to an equally anxious looking Lena and briefly wonders whether that’s a good or a bad sign.

The three of them briefly discuss Lena’s new treatment regime, though it’s mostly just dr. Sawyer telling Kara what she and Lena decided on and what Kara needs to do. Which boils down to taking Lena off over half her meds and driving Lena over for therapy sessions.

With a firm handshake and the request to call if anything changes that requires her immediate attention, any time, dr. Sawyer sees them out.

Kara’s hopes for Lena are up again. It seems like she’s given dr. Sawyer a fair chance and wants to try whatever it exactly is they have decided on – Kara hasn’t been told the details and since it’s a personal thing of Lena’s, she hasn’t asked either.

The next weeks, not a lot seems to change, as expected, but Kara had secretly hoped Lena would already start to improve the moment she got taken off those horrendous pills. But her body has to recover and it takes several weeks for Kara to see an actual change. In all fairness, it probably took her this long to notice because she was looking for something else and didn’t want to admit Lena off the drugs would mean she would get worse.

First, it’s small things Kara doesn’t see. Lena isolating herself more and more, finding another room as soon as someone enters the one she is in. Then she eats less and less, forgets meals so Kara has to go looking for her to coax her to the dining room.

Because Lena’s more talkative and approachable on her good days, it startles Kara all the more when she does her biweekly obligatory sweep of Lena’s room.

She doesn’t even do it thoroughly because there hadn’t been a reason before and she feels very uncomfortable intruding Lena’s space. She checks the bed and the nightstand, pulling open the drawer and skimming through the contents before moving to the bathroom where she checks out the cupboard, briefly running her hand along the inside. When she pulls it back she notices blood on her fingers. At first, she thinks it’s Lena’s blood, somehow recently gotten on the inside of the cupboard. Then, it slowly trickles down her hand to her wrist and somehow seems to become more with every passing second. It’s not too bad and Kara is more shocked than hurt really, and not thinking very logically because of it.

She squats down to look inside the cupboard and finds several razor blades, sharp and shin. A small stash of Band-Aids and gauze behind them. Kara carefully moves them to the countertop with her good hand, keeping the hurt one elevated to stop the bleeding from getting worse. She takes a piece of gauze and tears the packaging away, pressing it firmly on her cut finger while studying the culprits.

After a few minutes, Kara carefully removes the dirty gauze and examines the damage. It seems she has stopped bleeding and the cut is rather shallow, though long. The edges are still together so she doesn’t think she’ll need anything other than a Band-Aid. She steals all of Lena’s, along with the razors, and drops them in her own room before looking for some antiseptic, just to be sure.

When she’s all cleaned up, her finger carefully wrapped up by another staff member, Kara retreats to her room, unsure of what to do. It’s clear Lena had somehow gotten her hands on a razor and seemed to have every intent on cutting herself but Kara isn’t sure she ever actually did it and doesn’t want to cause Lena to do something even worse when she realises Kara knows and has prevented her from doing this.

Kara sags down on her bed and rests her head in her hands while she considers her options. She takes a few steadying breaths and ends up calling Alex because her sister is so much better at knowing what to do and she doesn’t want to make the wrong move.

Her phone rings several times and Kara has almost lost hope of Alex answering when she suddenly hears a click and her sister’s voice fills her ear.

 _“Kara? This better be important.”_ Kara doesn’t register any of those words as relief floods her system.

“Alex?” Kara notices her voice sounding oddly muffled and it croaks, almost breaking over the second syllable.

 _“Kara?”_ Alex voice suddenly is a lot softer, _“are you okay?”_

“Yes,” Kara answers, almost making it sound like a question, like she’s not entirely sure. “I’m okay.”

_“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”_

“I’m not.” Kara’s gaze falls down, it’s surprisingly blurry but she might have taken her glasses off, she doesn’t remember. Then, her eyes focus on a darker spot on her jeans. A tiny wet patch near her knee. She lifts her fingers to her face and, to her surprise, she feels hot tears on her cheeks. “Oh.”

_“Do you need me to come get you? If something happened I don’t want you working there anymore.”_

“No, no, it’s not that. It’s Lena – she’s not hurt!” Kara quickly reassures Alex, she had checked up on her hiding in a corner in the library before she went to check her bedroom. “She- Alex I think she wanted to though. I found razor blades and Band-Aids hidden in her room.”

_“Are you sure?”_

Kara nods solemnly before realising her sister can’t see her and answers her with a low, “yes.”

_“Did you talk to her already?”_

“No.”

_“Call Ma- her doctor?”_

“No.” Alex should have this job, she’s so much better at this stuff than Kara. Why didn’t she think of these options?

_“Maybe talk to Lena first, let her know you’re there for her. Ask her what she needs but don’t judge her or blame her for it.”_

“Okay.” Kara bobs her head up and down as she rakes a hand through her hair. “Thank you.”

_“You’re welcome. Sure you’re okay?”_

“Yeah.” Kara lets out a breathy laugh out of sheer relief. “Yeah, I’m okay now.”

_“Good. Well, good luck I guess. Hang in there.”_

“Thank you, I will. Bye!”

_“Bye. See you Sunday.”_

Kara wipes away her spilt tears and takes a few deep breaths. She’s fine. Lena doesn’t seem to have done anything yet. Everything will eventually work out but first, she has a tough conversation to steel herself for.

 

With a soft knock on the wood of one of the bookcases, Kara announces her presence to Lena.

“Lena, can we talk?” Kara asks tentatively. Lena’s face immediately falls and her movements look a lot more measured than usual as she puts a bookmark between the pages of her book and places it to the side. When Kara doesn’t move to sit beside Lena, the ravenette lift herself off the floor and follows Kara to her room. Kara would much rather have a talk like this in a not so public room. One where she’s sure no one will accidentally walk in on them. She’s been a lot more careful about letting Lillian – and by extension other staff members because they still get paid by her and will probably blab the moment the Luthor matriarch asks – know anything of what’s going on. Especially anything regarding Lena.

Kara gestures for Lena to sit with her and turns a little to better face the younger woman.

“Okay, I want to start off by saying I’m not angry or disappointed or anything. I just hope you know you can talk to me. Always. Anyway, I’m starting to ramble and I should probably cut to the chase.” She gets up and takes the razors, carefully placed in a small box to prevent another accident, and the Band-Aids and sits back down, showing the items to Lena. “Please talk to me when you feel like hurting yourself. I might not be a doctor but I’m here to help you. I _want_ to help you.”

Kara tries to catch Lena’s gaze to convey how much she cares and is here to support Lena and not to judge her. Lena, however, does everything she can to avoid Kara’s stare, curled in on herself, shoulders hunched and plucking at the sleeve of her blouse as she keeps staring at the box.

Kara knows this is not the moment but she can’t help making a mental note to go shopping for some more comfortable clothes for Lena, now that she might actually care about that again.

“I’m sorry,” Lena whispers after a long moment.

“You don’t have to apologise, just please tell me how I can help.”

“I didn’t do it. I didn’t do anything. I’m sorry. I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again.” Lena looks completely lost. She looks like a small child receiving a scolding and Kara realises that might be what always happened before when Lena slipped up and made mistakes.

“I’m not asking that,” Kara says, shaking her head slightly and hunching over a little more to make another attempt at catching Lena’s gaze. “I’m only asking you to talk to me. To let me help.”

“Please don’t tell mother.” Lena looks straight at Kara, green eyes scared and glassy.

“I won’t, I promise. Is there anything else I can do right now?”

Lena seems to consider the offer for a moment before shaking her head.

“Nothing? I’ll do anything if it helps.”

“Anything?” Lena asks apprehensively.

“Almost anything. I’m not sure if I could eat kale again,” Kara says with a lopsided smile, hoping to lighten the heavy mood. She’s rewarded with the slightest smile on Lena’s lips and counts it a victory. “Just tell me if you ever feel like hurting yourself again or if you want to talk about it, okay?”

“Okay.” Lena looks away again, eyes studying the desk on the opposite wall. She doesn’t make a move to leave so Kara stays put too. There falls a silence between them but Kara knows better than to pry.

“I’ve never actually done it,” Lena tells her after a while. “I’ve never been able to even if I’ve wanted it.” Lena is plucking at her sleeve again and Kara has to supress the urge to reach out and still Lena’s hands with her own. Lena’s never been one for touching, so Kara tries to keep her distance whenever possible.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Kara quickly assures her. She doesn’t want to make Lena feel like she’s being forced to talk.

“I know.” Lena shakes her head and shrugs. “I just wanted you to know. I don’t think I ever will do it, I always get too scared for some reason, when it gets down to it. A voice or something keeping me from taking real action. And then it makes me feel weak because I can’t even do this one thing I have the urge to do but later I’m glad I didn’t. When it’s passed, the next day or the one after.”

Kara silently listens to Lena talk, feeling like they’re really getting somewhere. It’s probably good for Lena to get this off her chest and, though she still needs to talk to dr. Sawyer about it, Kara hopes it helps for Lena to know there’s someone else for her to talk to. Someone else to help her, any time of day because Kara has nowhere else to go. Not as long as she’s working here.

“Thank you for telling me, Lena. I don’t think you’re weak. I think you’re one of the strongest people I know. I hope next time you know you can come to me. Even in the middle of the night. That’s why I’m here. That’s what friends are for.”

Lena tilts her head and looks at Kara, a small crinkle in her brow.

“Do you want to do something before dinner?” Kara asks when Lena only studiously keeps staring at her. “Play a game? You still owe me a rematch at chess.”

Kara is already halfway to the door when Lena’s soft voice stops her. “Friends?”

This time Kara is the one who’s eyebrows knit together. Should she not have said that? Maybe Lena doesn’t see her as a friend. She _is_ just another employee.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I just- to me you’re a friend but if you don’t want that it’s okay,” Kara assures her.

“I do. Want to be friends,” Lena adds after a beat when Kara doesn’t immediately catch on to what she means. Kara can’t help the goofy grin appearing on her face when she does comprehend.

“Good. Now, chess?”

“You don’t stand a chance. Are you sure?”

“One day I will beat you, you know. You’re going to regret being so cocky then.”

“Today is not that day.”

Lena is right. Kara loses dramatically within several minutes but she doesn’t care because Lena laughs as she takes her king and all might not be right yet and she’s still being paid to spend time with her but it’s better than last week, last month and heaps better than the day Kara started.


	4. Chapter 4

From there on Lena’s only improving – be it with ups and downs, at least overall, she gets better. Lena’s prescribed some new meds now that she’s no longer affected by what Kara has begun to call the zombie drugs. It takes a while for them to really kick in but this time Kara does notice the difference rather quickly. She also learns Lena is extremely lucky to have the first medicine she tries immediately work and not cause too many side effects.

It’s as if a light gets reignited inside Lena, slowly growing brighter as the medication and therapy really start to work. She’s a completely different person, challenging Kara to more chess matches, asking her to watch movies together but also to just sit with Lena when she’s feeling out of it. She’s a lot more open in general.

Lena is not a morning person though, flourishing after the sun has long since set and having the hardest time to wake up when Kara comes to pick her up for breakfast. A cup of strong coffee – snuck into her bedroom by Kara – seems to do the trick.

Lena being a night person leaves Kara all the more surprised when one morning she knocks on Lena’s door, steaming cup of coffee in one hand, and finds her up and dressed already.

“You’re up early,” she notes as she hands over the beverage. Lena closes her eyes and inhales the aroma, not daring to take a sip of the scalding liquid and risk burning her tongue.

“You’re up late,” Lena throws back.

“What’s the occasion?”

“Well,” a mischievous gleam appears in Lena’s eyes, “mother said I need more time outside and I thought for once I should maybe listen.”

“We’re going for a walk?” Kara doesn’t really understand Lena’s sudden enthusiasm. They regularly go for walks in the mansion’s gardens.

“No, out out.” Lena doesn’t seem willing to share more and Kara just accepts it as it is, waiting until Lena finishes her coffee to lead them to breakfast.

Kara has never seen Lena eat this fast. She still beats her by a long shot but Lena’s more than half-finished when she does so and even seems to speed up when she notices Kara is done. Without further explanation, Lena takes Kara’s hand and drags her through the halls of the mansion.

They end up in a garage Kara didn’t even know existed. Lena lets her hand go and it takes a while for her lingering warmth to leave Kara’s palm.  When Kara has her bearings back – this Lena really is very different, casually taking her hand an initiating a mysterious activity – she notices Lena has uncovered one of the cars.

It’s a sports car, that much Kara can tell. Blue and super low to the floor beneath. Before she can ask Lena what she’s doing, the ravenette is already revving the engine and lowers the car window on her side.

“Are you going to stand there and stare or do you want a ride?”

 

Lena drives like a maniac, going from zero to a hundred in seconds and causing Kara to be slammed against the back of her seat.

“Lena, are you insane?” Kara gasps, the air having been knocked out of her lungs. She clings to her seat while Lena expertly weaves the car along the snaking road.

“It does run in the family,” Lena laughs, her eyes crinkling slightly at the corners.

Kara’s shock dissipates and when she looks to the side she finds Lena smiling. Not a forced one or one that doesn’t reach her eyes. It’s a real smile, lifting some of the weight off her shoulders and softening her features to look like the 24-year old she really is.

Kara wishes she could see Lena like this more often. Lena’s lightness might be connected to Lillian leaving on a business trip and thus not meddling in her life for a short time.

She takes in Lena’s profile, her soft features, the ease on her face. She can now really see how gorgeous Lena is, with her face and body free of the burden she always seems to carry around. It doesn’t last though. Kara realises Lena is making her way back to the mansion, the freedom on her face slowly being locked away again. Kara doesn’t want to go back yet. She wants this moment to last.

“Hey,” she says, turning to Lena fully, “do you want to go out for lunch?”

She should’ve thought about it a little longer though because fear creeps up on Lena’s face and Kara remembers Lena hasn’t been out in public in over a year.

“We can do a picnic in the woods? Just wait in the car as I get some food. It’s really nice out and that way we can enjoy it a little longer. I’ll find us a secluded spot. I know just the one,” Kara rambles, trying to make up for her thoughtlessness.

Lena still looks unsure, tension back in her muscles and her jaw clenched. She glances at Kara, who tries to send her an encouraging look, or so she hopes. It seems to work because Lena reluctantly nods and changes directions to the small street with a few shops in the village. Kara tells her to park a little away from the main street so she hopefully feels more comfortable and there’s less people walking by. She jogs to the bakery and buys some sandwiches, pastries, juice and coffee for them.

The flashy blue car looks very out of place in the tiny village filled with trucks and SUVs and Kara is overcome with even more guilt when she sees a little girl openly stare at the vehicle. She knocks on the window for Lena to unlock the door and the ravenette jumps nearly two feet in the air at the sound.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” Kara says as she gets in the car, food and drinks on her lap.

Lena’s face is hidden by a large pair of sunglasses, making it harder to recognise her if someone were to look inside the Kara and Kara regrets making Lena do this even more.

“Are you sure you’re okay with this? I don’t want to make you do something you don’t want to.”

From the corner of her eye, Kara sees Lena take a deep breath in and slowly let it out before she speaks. “I’m going to have to go out one day. I can’t lock myself away for the rest of my life. I want to do this, Kara, and I know I’ll be fine with you there.”

Kara doesn’t know what to say to that. She feels touched Lena feels safe with her and comfortable enough to voice it, so she just nods and puts the cups of coffee in the cup holders between them. Lena starts the car and Kara gives directions to a small parking lot at the foot of a hiking trail.

As she gets out, Kara can still see some doubt and uncertainty linger on Lena’s face but she also spots stubborn determination. Kara takes out their food and leads the way, quickly abandoning the trail, to Lena’s visible relief – they’re even less likely to cross other people’s paths here – and walks to her new thinking spot. It’s not an easy walk, with a bit of a climb over some rocks and fallen trees but they help each other, handing the food over between them to free their hands when needed or reaching out to each other for boosts. It all feels quite intimate, if Kara’s honest, but she doesn’t mind. She’s come to really appreciate Lena. The new Lena. No longer only pitying her but also seeing the great person behind her distant mask. Behind the hurt and the pain.

By the time they reach the spot, a patch of grass at the edge of a cliff, a river running past it in the valley, their coffees have cooled down enough to drink and Kara hands Lena’s to her. It’s a special one made up by the owner’s daughter and Kara hopes Lena likes it.

She puts her own jacket on the grass and gestures for Lena to sit down but the ravenette smiles and shakes her head as she takes a seat in the grass, demonstratively next to the garment. Kara fondly shakes her head back at Lena, a small laugh spilling out of her lips and she sits down the jacket herself before unpacking the food and relaying to Lena what everything is.

 

Kara’s eyes may have been bigger than her stomach because an hour later they’re both splayed out on the grass, too stuffed and sated to move. Kara is sure she will tear out of her pants the moment she sits up so instead she rolls over and plops her head on her arms to enjoy the view.

“Kara?” Lena asks after a while, breaking the peaceful silence between them. Kara turns her head to look at Lena and even with half her face obscured by sunglasses Kara can see how serious Lena looks. “Does your offer still stand?”

Kara’s brows knit together as she tries to think of what offer she’s made Lena. Before she can think of what Lena means, the ravenette elaborates. “Of driving me to visit Jess’s grave.”

Oh. That offer. Kara’s face immediately falls with the heaviness of the topic.

“Always,” she promises without missing a beat. Lena seems to process the information, contemplating what exactly to do with it.

“Can we, next week maybe?”

“Of course.” Kara sends a small smile to Lena. She’s come a far way, asking to visit her ex-girlfriend’s grave and Kara can’t help but feel proud of her.

Lena focusses away from Kara, absentmindedly tracing the thin scar on the palm of her hand from several weeks ago. Thanks to Alex’s stitching skills it’s barely visible and healed nicely but Kara’s long since realised it seems to mean more to Lena. Serves as some sort of reminder of something long before Kara entered her life. Probably to do with the reason she got so drunk that day in the first place.

Another long silence follows and Kara turns back to looking at the trees and shrubbery across the cliff. The sun hangs high in the sky, its beams filtering through the leaves and making the scenery look like a fairy tale.

“It was our anniversary,” Lena says so softly Kara almost misses it. She’s still tracing her scar and Kara doesn’t need her to say more to understand. Knows better too to talk now. Lena opens up at her own pace and nothing Kara can say will help. Nothing will take away the pain or console her, except maybe time and therapy, but nothing Kara can do. Only listen.

“On the first, she took me to the new science museum in Metropolis. I’d been bugging her to visit for God knows how long and I was elated because I had already accepted having to go alone. I got her tickets to this famous pianist she liked and we had a quiet dinner at her place before dressing up for the concert. We both liked that best. Dinner at home. No paparazzi spotting us and no other people watching as we ate. The first was more my issue, I’m not exactly out to the world. The second was hers. She’d had some issues with food in the past so eating with people she didn’t know always cost her more effort. She was working on it, though and she was doing so good.”

A single tear slides across her temple and Lena’s unsteady fingers wipe it away before it reaches her ear. She clamps her hands together above her stomach and lets out a wet chuckle. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin lunch by being such a downer.” She sits up and removes her sunglasses to wipe at her eyes again.

“You didn’t ruin anything and you’re certainly not a downer,” Kara ensures her. “I’m glad you’re not bottling everything up anymore and trust me enough to tell me something so personal.”

Lena nods but doesn’t seem convinced so Kara sits up too and catches her gaze. “Lena, you are not a downer. I don’t want you to ever think you’re ruining something for me because you open up and talk about how you feel.”

Kara reaches out the slightest bit but retracts her hand when she remembers this is about Lena and not her and Lena doesn’t seem to appreciate touch as much as Kara does.

“Promise you’ll talk to me if you feel like it, if you ever need or want it. I’ll never judge you or think you’re bothering me. I like it when you talk to me. I like you. Promise?”

Lena nods and with a shaky breath gets a weak, “I promise,” out.

They linger for a while longer, staring out over the cliff but Kara’s sat still for long enough and she can tell Lena is also ready to go back to the safety of the mansion. She gathers their trash and puts it back in the bag so it’s easier to carry.

Kara extends a hand to Lena to help her up and Lena slips her glasses back on as they make their way back, helping each other over the rocks and trees again.

 

“I thought you’re a vegetarian to save the environment,” Kara dares say when Lena starts the car again.

“I am, though there isn’t much to save anymore.” Lena gets a slightly sour look on her face at the reminder.

“But you drive what must be the most polluting car ever made.”

Lena’s eyebrows shoot up above the rim of her aviators as she briefly glances at Kara. “This car is less polluting than yours. I built the engine myself. It runs on hydrogen and solar energy,” Lena explains.

“Oh, wait. So, this is your car?”

“Yes.”

“Hmm, I never would have guessed.”

“Why not?”

“Didn’t think you were a flashy blue car kind of girl.”

“It’s not about the colour, Kara.”

“I know but still would have pegged you to be a dark car kind of girl.”

“Well, if it makes you feel better, I got the car because the engine was broken and I wanted to fix it so father gave it to me. Then I decided why fix it when I could improve it?”

“Your dad gave you the car?”

“Yes. We are rich, you know. It’s not that odd to get a car.”

“How old were you?” Kara remembers reading somewhere a while back Lionel Luthor passed away ten or eleven years ago, making Lena a young teen when he did so.

“Fourteen. It was an investment in my future.”

“You could fix cars at fourteen?” Kara can’t even change a light bulb in her car if she has to.

“Technically, I probably could have at ten years old but then the engine was still salvageable.”

“You _built_ an engine at fourteen?”

Lena seems very amused by Kara’s inability to move past this little detail. “Yes.”

“Alone?”

“I did have some help from Lex and Harry, our butler, because I couldn’t lift the thing and some bolts were screwed too tight.”

“Holy crap,” Kara mutters. “Alex didn’t lie when she said you were a genius and a child prodigy.”

“Your sister?” Lena suddenly has a weirdly scared and hurt look and Kara fears she’s said something wrong but she doesn’t know what or why and instead chooses to just elaborate.

“Yeah. She looked you up because she wanted to know I would be okay working here. Apparently, you’re a chess grand master but stopped playing because you went abroad and wanted to focus on your education. She didn’t dig deep or anything, just wanted to know who I’d be working for.” Kara looks questioningly at Lena, hoping she doesn’t offend Lena by saying Alex looked her up.

“Oh.” The odd look bleeds away and Lena blushes a little. “I did play chess. It got too much of an effort to find a decent opponent willing to play with a girl my age, though. That’s why I quit.”

Kara nods. Alex had told her what a weird culture chess really is one day when she asked why men and women were separated even in sports like chess.

 

When they get back to the mansion and Lena has parked the car back in the garage, she stalls leaving the room a bit. She seems to want to say something, now that they’ve still got some privacy but hasn’t yet built up the guts to do so. Kara patiently waits near the door for Lena to say what’s on her mind. It takes a while but then, with a deep breath, the words come tumbling out. “Would you maybe consider letting me take my medicine myself? I won’t do anything stupid. I’m really trying to get better and-”

“Yes.” Kara doesn’t have to think about it. Lena should have control over her own meds. She hasn’t done anything to warrant any distrust about taking them since she’s been on the new ones and even with the old ones she’d always dutifully followed her prescription regimen.

“I think they’re really helping. I’ll even let you count them every day and watch me take them I just really want to-”

“Lena?”

“Hm?”

“I already said yes.”

“Oh. You did? Are you sure?”

“You said they’re helping and you really want to get better, didn’t you?”

“I did.”

“Then I’m sure. I think it’ll be a good thing. Soon enough you’re not going to need me at all anymore,” Kara jokes but it falls flat and the look on Lena’s face tells her that day is not any time soon. Not that Kara minds. She’s grown to love the job. It pays well and Lena is good company.

Kara hopes they can stay friends when Lena no longer needs her to get through the day. Though she’s convinced Lena could already go without her but is afraid of it being too much. Alone in the world, one she hasn’t stepped foot in in nearly a year. Alone in a ginormous mansion with her hateful mother. Kara completely understands Lena’s reluctance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for all the sweet comments and the corrections to my spelling and grammar sometimes! I appreciate it all!


	5. Chapter 5

One picnic on the cliff turns into two, three, four and soon enough a steady biweekly event. They bring books or games, spend their time in easy silence, light banter or deep conversations and Kara’s job continues feeling less and less like work and more and more like rooming with a good friend – best friend even, dare she say.

As Lena gets more used to leaving her prison and relaxes more around Kara, she starts making requests for Kara to help her with activities other people probably wouldn’t bat an eye at but Kara knows it’s a big step. They start with walks _on_ the trail. The first day they don’t run into anyone but the second time they go on a Saturday and there’s several cars already parked on the little lot when they arrive. Kara slings her backpack over her shoulders and is nearly bouncing with excitement. She’s walked this trail several times alone on Sundays but there’s something about walking here with Lena that makes it infinitely better, even if Lena is a little apprehensive and very quiet.

“You’ll love it!” Kara reassures her enthusiastically when she hesitates at the line of trees marking the trail’s entrance. “It’s a really pretty trail and it’s not too long. It’s a lot better than the way to the cliff and we can turn around any moment you want.”

Lena visibly swallows whatever she was about to say next and slips on her sunglasses, taking the first step onto the gravelly path and another step on her road to recovery.

The park is even more beautiful than usual. The sun casts off the remaining drops of water on the leaves of the trees and shrubs after an early morning showers, making it appear almost like a magical forest, glittering in brightness. There’s a nearly hypnotical silence in the air neither of them seems willing to break and they’re rewarded with views of deer, rabbits, birds and squirrels.

They don’t run into other people until after they’ve stopped for lunch. Kara can sense Lena tensing up when they’re still several yards away. It’s a middle-aged couple wearing matching Khaki’s and sun visors looking about as harmless as the butterfly Kara spotted sitting on a leave a few miles back. Kara understands Lena’s reaction. She’s only had contact with her mother, her doctor and Luthor manor’s staff, never with new people. Never with strangers. Nothing unpredictable. Not since Kara started and she was just another employee.

But, since this is the main reason for their walk on a Saturday specifically, Kara doesn’t slow down and Lena seems encouraged by Kara’s complete lack of reaction. A few moments later they cross paths.

“G’day,” the man greets with a nod.

“Afternoon,” the woman says with a similar nod and friendly smile.

Kara greets them back, wishing them a nice day and Lena croaks out something unintelligible that’s probably also meant to be a greeting. It’s all over very fast, neither Kara and Lena nor the couple slowing their pace and they don’t seem bothered in the slightest by Lena’s momentary lost ability of forming words, smiling again and passing them, walking out of hearing distance within seconds.

“That couldn’t have gone worse,” Lena mutters, clearly angry with herself.

“It could have. You did fine, Lena.”

Lena shakes her head. “I sounded like a retard. I couldn’t even form a simple word like ‘hello’. How hard is it to say ‘hello’? Why couldn’t I just say ‘hello’?!” Lena burrows her face in her hands. Kara can tell she’s on the verge of tears and guides her to a tree stump on the side of the path, sitting down next to her and gently prying her hands away.

“Lena, look at me,” she requests and waits for Lena to comply after a few long seconds. Her green eyes are watery but hold so much internal anger. “You did fine. You can’t expect to be perfect at something when you do it for the first time or haven’t done it in a very long time. Next time you’ll do it better and before you know it, it’s second nature again.”

“I just-” Lena huffs- “I know. It’s just. I used to be good at this.”

“And you will be again but you’ll have to relearn. Don’t blame yourself for a slip up, learn from it. Use it to improve. Now, take a deep breath and let’s find that flashy car of yours.” Kara sends Lena a toothy grin and makes to get up only then realising she’s still holding Lena’s hands in her lap. She quickly lets go, immediately missing their warmth and comfortable weight but she shakes it off and waits for Lena to get up and lead them back to the car with her unbelievable sense of direction.

 

Like Kara had predicted, Lena gets better at greeting people very fast and soon enough she’s asking for another challenge.

“Dinner at my sister’s?” Kara suggests. It’s still relatively safe, only people Lena’s already met, though not entirely sober, and Kara knows Alex, Sam and Ruby will be nice to her.

“How about grocery shopping?” Lena counter offers. It’s a steep step up from greeting people on a hiking trail but if they pick the right day, time and store, it’s probably relatively quiet and Kara has to admit it’s an important activity to relearn.

“If we get ingredients for cookies, we can sneak into the kitchen to make them later.” They’re both on friendly terms with the cook so Kara knows the only sneaking they will do is making sure Lillian doesn’t find out. She has a strict ‘no treats’ policy and Kara swears she also has a problem with having fun.

“Deal.” Lena has a mischievous smile at the prospect of doing something her mother won’t approve of and it comes as no surprise to Kara when come Thursday Lena looks like a kid on Christmas morning.

They skip across the supermarket’s parking lot, Lena needed a little prompting to do so but clearly couldn’t keep her excitement in as she hurries after Kara with a giddy laugh. She hesitates slightly in front of the sliding doors to the store and Kara takes her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze to tell Lena she can do it. Soon enough they’re in the baking section discussing oatmeal raisin versus chocolate chip.

“I can’t believe I’m friends with someone who’d pick oatmeal raisin over chocolate chip,” Kara jokes as she puts a small bag of flour in Lena’s shopping basket. She doesn’t really realise what her words mean until she sees Lena’s knuckles whiten slightly against the dark handles of the basket. Her face doesn’t give anything away when Kara looks up to check on her, a placid mask neatly in place like Kara knows Lillian taught her to do.

“I can’t believe I’m friends with someone who’d rather have diabetes and clotted arteries,” Lena throws back. It’s a beat too late and her voice and tight-lipped smile are strained but Kara pretends not to notice.

She grabs a bag of raisins and one with chocolate chips and holds them up for Lena. “How about both?”

Lena nods and adds bags with sugar and oatmeal. Kara wraps her hand around her shoulder and leads them to the dairy section for butter and milk. Lena relaxes again, Kara feels her shoulders untense beneath her arm and a warm feeling settles in her chest. She’s extremely proud of Lena. At least, that’s what she calls the warm feeling in her chest. Proudness of her friend.

 

Neither of them really knows how to bake cookies but they look up recipes and copy them to the letter. The first batch comes out perfectly golden brown but the second one, Kara’s chocolate chip ones, burn dramatically because they get in a food fight and forget the time. There’s flour and eggs everywhere, from their clothes and hair to the floor and even against the wall. It’s a complete mess and they try to clean it as best as possible, both feeling rather bad about someone else having to clean up for them and deal with dried up egg remains. They laugh more than they actually clean and end up asking a maid to do a thorough cleaning of the room anyway. At least she will know what she’s doing and how to get rid of the stains.

They part ways to take showers and change into fresh clothes and meet up again in the third living room – a cosy small room with a comfy couch and large television where Lillian has never set foot in – to eat the cookies that did survive and watch a movie curled up under fluffy blankets.

More shopping trips follow, slowly inching towards busier hours and days and Kara makes lists with items for Lena to get, occasionally adding something she knows Lena will have to ask an employee for help finding. Lena sometimes even goes in all alone, leaving Kara at the entrance of the store to wait for her, close enough for Lena to reach out to her when she needs it. She never does.

 

Lena’s determination to get better and not relapse into old unhealthy behaviour particularly shows when at the end of a slow day – Lena had been extremely meek again and Kara could tell there’s something about this day that triggered it but she’s unsure what – there’s a knock on her door and Lena carefully pushes it open a few inches. She looks like she’s holding back tears and Kara gestures for her to come in, giving her the time and space to say what she needs to.

“It’s Jack’s birthday today,” she says, revealing a liquor bottle from behind her back. “Don’t worry, it’s empty. But Jack and I would always-” she chokes up, unable to finish her sentence. Kara nods, she gets what Lena means and Lena gratefully skips ahead in her story. “I thought we could fill it with apple juice, that’s about equally disgusting, and drink it while we watch soccer reruns. I know it’s a terrible pastime so I get it if you don’t-”

“Men’s or women’s reruns?” Kara asks. Not that it matters really. She’d watch either with Lena. She’d watch a documentary about grass growing with Lena if she asked.

“Oh. We’d always watch men’s but I don’t think Jack would mind if we watch women’s. He did always appreciate toned girls.”

“Would you mind?” Kara asks, getting up and taking the bottle from Lena to have it filled.

“I think women’s soccer would be more successful at making me feel less sad than men’s.”

“Women’s soccer reruns it is then. I’ll get the drinks, you get the snacks.” Kara points to the plastic bag hidden under her bed filled with sweets, cookies and chips.

They drink apple juice from the bottle, eat so many snacks Kara feels like she might explode and scream at the players on the screen well into the night. Eventually, Lena falls asleep and Kara doesn’t have the heart or energy left to disturb the peacefulness evident in Lena’s softened features. Instead, she throws a blanket over her sleeping friend, pulls up another match to watch and falls asleep herself somewhere in the first half, unconsciously sliding down the back of the couch until her head is resting on Lena.

Hours later, she wakes up to a black screen and cookie crumbs itching beneath her shirt. She nudges Lena awake and sleepily guides her to her own bed, no doubt more comfortable than the shared couch.

* * *

 

Kara keeps on casually offering Lena to have dinner at her sister’s. Not only because Ruby keeps asking – she seemed highly amused by the drunk adult mistaking her for a dwarf – but also because she feels Lena can use some more friendly faces other than the local supermarket employees. Eventually, Lena relents and they set a date.

Lena is clearly nervous. Quiet and subdued in the passenger seat of her super clean sports car while Kara drives. She herself had asked for Kara to do so. Kara had wanted to protest until she saw Lena was barely able to keep her hands from shaking and instead joked she’d only do it if she got to drive in Lena’s car. To her surprise, Lena had immediately agreed.

Kara tries to make the drive as easy as possible, playing music on the radio and singing along as they flit past trees and houses and before long they arrive at Alex’s.

There’s only a minor amount of teasing Lena for calling Sam a giant and Ruby a dwarf but they all stop as soon as they notice it makes Lena uncomfortable. Alex, with her impeccable timing, notices the car at that exact moment and spends the better half of the night split between gushing about it, begging to drive it and grilling Lena on all its details. Lena gladly tells Alex everything there is to know about the car and Kara is for once thankful for Alex’s weird car obsession because Lena can’t talk to her about cars like she’s doing now with Alex. Kara wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between a Lamborghini and a Volkswagen if held at gunpoint, let alone know what a 12-cylinder engine means.

While Lena and Alex talk cars, Kara catches up with Sam and Ruby. The time flies by and soon enough they’re clearing the table and saying goodbye. Kara would say the night was a great success and she tells Lena so. Alex, Sam and Ruby really like Lena, drunk or sober, and everyone hit it off with great ease, even though Lena spent most of the night talking to Alex. She’d also found common ground with Sam and Ruby and surely if there’s a next time she’ll get to talk to them more. Unless they take the sleek yellow car Kara spotted in the garage.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the nice comments and sooooo many kudos! I never could've dreamed when I started writing this weird story eons ago it would be received so well. It was just an attempt at a 10K story (look how I failed at that haha) about Kara being a caretaker and it grew to be so much more.  
> All this nice support really helps motivate me to write more stories (and indulge myself to think up some weirder ones and maybe one day also write one) and though I haven't really been writing last month I have high hopes of getting back into it again, especially with all the love I'm receiving from you guys.

Normally on days they visit the cemetery, Lena buys flowers by herself. A large bouquet of orchids for Jess, a small bouquet of yellow roses for Jack and a single chrysanthemum for each of her other deceased colleagues and friends. This time, however, Lena has asked for Kara to come with and help her pick out flowers for Jess. Kara had protested, it’s a very personal thing, but Lena had pleaded with her. Eventually it was Lena’s explanation of why she wanted Kara’s help that convinced her.

“I want to tell her I’m letting go,” Lena had said softly. “I will always love her but I have to let go. It’s what she would have wanted.”

Kara, of course, couldn’t say no after that. She knows roughly as much about flowers as she does cars but she can at least be there for Lena as she inquires with the shopkeeper which ones would be most fitting.

After having all the flower’s meanings explained to them, Lena relays to Kara which she finds most fitting but she worries about ending up with a messy, haphazard array of flowers that don’t fit together.

Kara spins Lena around to face her, looking her straight in the eye before speaking. “Letting go is messy too. I don’t think Jess would mind if the flowers match. It’s the sentiment that counts and you should say what you want and need to say. Don’t care about making it look right. It has to feel right.”

Kara holds the yellow roses and chrysanthemums while Lena carries a beautifully disorganised and mismatching bouquet of daffodils, hyacinths, amaryllis and the usual orchids.

Kara doesn’t join her at the grave, instead waiting in the car for Lena to return. Her makeup has slightly run and her eyes are a little red and puffy but other than that she has pulled herself together perfectly.

They ‘celebrate’ this next step with chocolate and a movie that gets forgotten halfway through.

“Does it ever stop hurting?” Lena asks. Kara knows she’s talking about losing a loved one. Kara had mentioned her parents and even if she did so rarely, she knows Lena remembers every word.

“No,” Kara answers honestly, “it hurts a little less and sometimes you forget you’re hurting but you always remember again and it always hurts worse for a while. It gets a little better with time though. It takes the edge off.”

Lena soaks up every one of Kara’s words and she’s scared she’s given Lena false hope. She knows for some people it doesn’t get better with time at all and she really hopes Lena is not one of them. Lena deserves so much better.

* * *

 

Lena isn’t the only one with bad days. Kara has them too. Far less frequent and severe but she still has them. She doesn’t slack on her responsibility over Lena, though, joining her for breakfast like any other morning. At least Lena is now able to dress herself no matter how bad her day is.

Kara still brings Lena her morning coffee, quietly lingering by the door as she waits for Lena to finish it. Lena must surely figure out there’s something off about Kara and the glances she steals in Kara’s general direction confirm as much but she doesn’t say anything about it. Kara’s glad for it. She doesn’t think she can keep herself together if she has to explain.

Breakfast is a silent affair, a rarity these days. Kara excuses herself as soon as they’re done. She knows Lena will probably spend the rest of the morning reading or doing crosswords so she’ll be fine without her presence. Head hanging, she drags herself back to her room and collapses on the bed.

Today is always hard, each year again without any reprieve. She sometimes wishes she could just skip this day but then feels a thousand times more guilty for wanting to forget her family’s death. For wanting to forget how her old house exploded with her parents and aunt inside. She buries her face in her pillow, hoping the images will stop attacking her. They never do, no matter if her eyes are open or closed. Her memories won’t stop playing. Not today.

She’s been crying silently in her pillow for a while when a soft knock on her door startles her from it. Wishing it’s not someone needing something from her, she heaves herself up and drags her feet as she makes her way to the door. She cracks it open only a tiny bit, enough to hold a conversation but making clear she’s not up to doing anything.

“Kara?” Lena’s worried voice drifts in.

Kara quickly wipes at her eyes, forcing her tears away for a moment. It’s not a day off for her and if Lena needs anything she needs to be available, no matter how much she doesn’t want to. Not only that, Lena’s her friend, best friend, so she does want to help her if she needs anything.

“Yes,” Kara says, trying to sound strong and not like she’s just been crying.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” Kara answers a little short. She tries to keep her face from view, resting her forehead against the door as she peers around it at Lena. 

“It’s just- you seemed a little off this morning and I wanted to check up on you.” Lena casts her eyes down, looking a little unsure as she toes the doorstep. “You’ve always been there for me, you know, on bad days so I just wanted to let you know you don’t have to always be strong for me. I can handle it. You don’t have to pretend for me. If there’s something I can do just, please, let me know.”

For some reason Lena says all the right things and Kara can really use a friend and she’s not sure if she is in any state to drive to Alex like she normally would have done the night before.

“It’s- it’s the anniversary of my parent’s-” Kara chokes, unable to finish her sentence but Lena already seems to understand. The ravenette gently pushes the door open further, stretching her arms out invitingly for Kara to step into, so she does as prompted and holds on tight.

Lena gently rubs her back and leads them further into the room, nudging the door closed behind her. Kara lets herself get guided to the small couch and practically melts into Lena’s arms when they sit down and Lena’s hand starts carding through her hair.

Gradually, Kara’s sobs subside and she quiets down, wiping her eyes again with the sleeve of her shirt. This time there’s no new ones fighting to take the place of the old ones and her eyes remain dry. 

“Thank you,” she eventually tells Lena as she pulls back from their embrace.

“Any time. That’s what friends are for, right?” Lena sends her a kind smile and shrugs slightly.

“Yeah, thanks. I just didn’t think-”

“I’d be okay with you having a bad day? I could handle it?” Lena fills in for her.

Kara quickly shakes her head. “No, no. I thought you shouldn’t have to see me like this. And that you hated hugs and physical contact, actually.”

Lena looks confused for a brief moment before replying, “only when it’s with strangers. With friends I don’t mind. I even like it. It’s comforting and nice.” She looks back down at her hands after her confession, looking back up at Kara again to continue. “Are you feeling any better?”

“I am,” Kara says, nodding her head slightly. “I mean, it’s not all right but I feel a little better. Thank you for, you know…”

“You’re welcome. Do you want me to give you a ride to your sister? I won’t tell my mother you’re gone and I’ll pick you up again whenever you want.”

Kara contemplates the offer for a moment. She usually does spend this day with Alex and maybe it’s good to take a break from this stifling mansion, too big but still suffocating. She can keep it brief and come back completely refreshed and ready to help Lena again. It’s probably easier to pick herself back up if she’s not here, even if Lena is such a friendly face. Still, nothing beats her sister on days like this.

“I’d like that,” Kara decides. “You can pick me up tomorrow, if you want. I’ll be fine and you don’t have to lie about where I am for too long.”

“Of course I want to pick you up tomorrow. Do you need to pack anything?”

Kara nods, Alex always has a spare set of pyjamas for her and now also has a box of Kara’s spare clothing because the garage box she hired for her furniture was getting full and having clothes at her sister’s could be useful, like this moment proves. Numbly, she follows Lena to the garage and watches as the scenery slips by. She knows tomorrow she’ll be fine and back to her old self, when the ache has found its place somewhere hidden again and she can live her life like normal. 

* * *

 

Kara knows there’s trouble when she wants to pick up Lena after Friday morning breakfast with her mother in the large dining room but instead of finding Lena already waiting for her, she’s asked to step inside by a butler and join the pair for the tail-end of their meal. Kara warily sits down opposite Lena and the grim look on the ravenette’s face confirms Kara’s suspicion. It’s nothing good.

“Miss Danvers,” Lillian Luthor starts, “as you know the annual LuthorCorp gala is coming up and Lena is to attend.” Kara looks over at Lena and finds her looking less than happy about it. “She is to give a speech and I need her to be well dressed. She’s the face of LuthorCorp’s future, whether she likes it or not. She will show people LuthorCorp can conquer any mountain and we will not let one small accident hold us back.” Lena scoffs loudly at Lillian’s understatement of the accident but gets ignored by her mother. “Now, since Lena’s obviously put on weight, I don’t think any of her old dresses will fit. So, I need you to take her to get a new one fitted.”

“Doesn’t Lena get a say in this?” Kara asks, feeling bold.

“As long as she lives under my roof, she will do as I say. I’ve already allowed her to slack for near on two years so I don’t think it’s unfair to ask for this small favour in return. Isn’t that right, Lena dear?” Lillian faces Lena who meekly casts her eyes down and nods. “See.” Lillian addresses Kara before dabbing at her mouth with her napkin – handkerchief, it’s Lillian Luthor, she doesn’t use napkins – and getting up with a haughty air about her. She leaves without sparing either her daughter or Kara another glance.

Kara tries to find out Lena’s actual opinion on the matter but all she gets are evading answers and shrugs. She eventually decides to leave the matter alone. If Lena really doesn’t want to do it, she knows where to find Kara. Or her mother, though Kara doesn’t think there’s a chance of Lena standing up to her mother right now.

 

It is thus Kara finds herself crammed in a fitting room with Lena. A half-undressed and inconsolably crying Lena. She squeezes herself on the tiny bench next to Lena and pulls the younger woman close against her when Lena curls in on Kara’s side – Lena’s become a lot easier with physical contact after admitting to Kara she does actually like it, even searching it out herself more and more. Lena immediately wraps her arms around Kara and buries her face in her shoulder. Her sobs wreck her entire body, making her shake uncontrollably. Kara wraps her own arms tightly around Lena and doesn’t try to speak. Lena won’t hear her anyway. She simply rubs a hand on Lena’s back until her sobs turn to whimpers which turn into sniffles that slowly fade.

Kara doesn’t ask her what’s wrong. If Lena wants to share, she will do so in her own time and at her own pace. Kara prying will only make her mentally shut down. Kara just rubs Lena’s back and upper arm and offers her a handkerchief when there’s no longer new tears forming. Lena uses it to wipe her face, rubs her skin with a little more force than strictly necessary until the blotchy redness of her cheeks has turned into angry redness.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers with a raw throat.

“For what?” Kara stuffs the wet kerchief back in her pocket without second thought or even imagining that it could be gross. It’s just Lena’s tears.

“For breaking down like this out of nowhere. I’m not a toddler. I should have better control over my emotions.” Lena repeatedly clenches and unclenches her hands in her lap. Kara puts one of her own hands on top of Lena’s restless ones.

“You don’t have to apologise for having emotions,” Kara assures her, “and sometimes you just have to let them out.”

“I’m a Luthor, Kara, we don’t do that,” Lena deadpans.

“Then you should start doing it. Besides, you’re not technically a Luthor, right?” Kara softly knocks her shoulder against Lena’s to coax a smile from her friend.

“I am. Lionel is my biological father so I am a real Luthor. Though mother hates it.”

“Oh.” Kara’s face falls. “I forgot.”

Lena looks at her, her face slowly morphing from sadness to a small smile, to a little laugh and then she’s laughing so loud she almost falls off the tiny bench when her muscles give in. Kara doesn’t get it but Lena’s laugh is infectious and soon, she finds herself laughing just as hard and holding on to the walls to remain seated. Tears are streaming down her face when Lena tries to stop laughing and instead actually falls off the bench and lands on the floor with her legs spread out in front of her. The expensive dress is lopsided and wrinkly and Kara is sure they’ll have to pay for ruining it but it’s worth it. And they have Lillian’s credit card.

When she’s finally caught her breath, Kara dares ask, “what’re you laughing about?”

“First, mother insists I’m not to skip a single meal, stuffing me with everything unhealthy on this planet and then she complains I get fat. I just can’t wait to see the look on her face when I tell her I didn’t buy a dress here because none of them fit.” Lena turns a little to show the unzipped and gaping side of her dress that indeed doesn’t seem to fit around her frame.

“You’re not fat, Lena, and we can just get the dress in a size up,” Kara rationalises.

“This is the biggest size they carry,” Lena relays and Kara can’t hide her shock. What stores don’t carry sizes above 6? “And agree to disagree, then, on me being fat.” Lena lifts herself off the floor and starts prying the dress off.

“No. I don’t agree to disagree,” Kara fiercely argues. “You’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever met, Lena. And you’re not fat. So what, you’ve gained some weight? It looks good on you. You’re so much more healthy than when I first met you. Who cares you’ve added some pounds? Now you have some flesh to your bones. You’ve got a gorgeous figure and I won’t let anyone say anything different.” Lena tries to argue her but Kara cuts her off before she’s even gotten a chance to start. “That includes you, Lena.”

“What is this then?” Lena asks exasperatedly. She points at her stomach and squeezes the skin together to show Kara the layer of fat there.

“Not all fat is bad, you know. Fat doesn’t equal ugly or unhealthy. It’s not abnormal for people, especially women, to have a layer of fat. It’s the best way to protect organs.”

Lena quirks an eyebrow, having moved from scrutinising her stomach in the mirror to her thighs. A slender finger traces a pale stretch mark, one of the few not obscured by scar tissue.

Before Lena can open her mouth and talk herself down again, Kara continues her pep talk. “And stretch mark are our worrier stripes. We all have them, even if some might do everything in their power to hide them. In some cultures, kids who grow up get tattoos or piercings but _everywhere_ we get stretch marks and we should be proud of them, not wish they weren’t there.”

Lena moves her fingers from the pale streaks to the uneven, shiny skin of her scars.

“Same with scars,” Kara tells her, taking her hand away from tracing her skin. “They show where we’ve been, what we’ve been through, what we survived. They show how strong we are and how much we’ve overcome. They’re something to be proud of. Not ashamed.”

Lena looks at Kara with something between disbelief and admiration, the former getting the overhand until Lena scoffs and grabs her clothes to get dressed again.

“You don’t believe me?” Kara asks, handing Lena her shirt from the floor.

“No, I don’t.” Lena turns away from Kara and pulls up her trousers, quickly followed by throwing her shirt over her head before she faces Kara again. Kara is a little surprised by the sudden shyness. She’s seen Lena in her underwear plenty of times, even just seconds ago and has even seen Lena entirely naked on one of her bad days when she couldn’t dress herself, though that’s been a long while back.

“Okay.” Kara nods firmly and gets up. She makes quick work of the buttons on her trousers and drops them, stepping one foot out to gain some freedom of movement. She grabs hold of her left thigh and points at a delicate pattern of light stretch marks and disfigured patches of skin on the otherwise tanned skin. Her stretch marks and scars stand out more than Lena’s, who’s already very pale of herself.

At first, Lena scoffs. She doesn’t seem to even want to believe Kara. Then, after she’s turned away again to grab her jacket and shrug it on, she looks again. It takes a minute for the information to register but when it does, her eyes go wide and her mouth hangs slightly agape in wonder.

“You have stretch marks and scars,” Lena says in awe, seemingly unable to tear her eyes off the sight now that she realises what she’s seeing.

“I have worrier stripes and my history drawn on my body. Now will you stop talking your body down over completely normal things?” Kara lifts her trousers again, blocking her legs from Lena’s sight. It takes the young Luthor a moment of incessantly blinking to get back to the conversation and Kara has to stifle a snicker at that.

“I’ll try,” Lena says, “now, let’s find you a dress.”

“I’m not getting a dress at a place that doesn’t carry normal sizes,” Kara scoffs. “We’ll find another store for both of us.”

“Oh, mother will love that.” Sarcasm drips from Lena’s tone as she pulls the curtain of the stall open and steps out.

“Frankly, I don’t really care what your mother thinks.” Kara shrugs and follows Lena out, hooking arms with the ravenette and not caring about the mess of dresses they left behind. It’s not very polite, but neither were the employees, nor is the fact the store doesn’t even carry decent sizes, so Kara deems it karma. 


	7. Chapter 7

The LuthorCorp gala is fast approaching and Kara can’t help but worry a little more about Lena. The younger woman’s acquired lightness over the past few months has been disappearing with the anniversary of the explosion that killed her friends and girlfriend, the gala and her speech her mother all but ordered her to give, looming over her head. Kara tries what she can to ease Lena’s mind, going for walks together, playing games, watching movies and idle chitchats. She’s even offered to help Lena write her speech but the ravenette declined the offer, wanting to write it herself for closure. She does occasionally come knocking on Kara’s door when she needs some emotional support in between writing, or needs help deciding whether or not to include a certain event or memory in her speech.

Kara can’t wait for the gala to be over. It weighs heavily on the both of them and she can’t stop wondering what she’s exactly expected to do that night, aside from keeping an eye on Lena so she doesn’t do something she might regret later.

Meals grow silent and Lena starts having trouble eating again, needing Kara to actively remind her of meal times and stare at her until she finishes her plate, slowly. Everything starts to become slow, like she’s starring in an old movie where they put the tempo of play-back too low.

On the day of the gala, Kara finally relents and lets Lena get away with eating only a slice of toast and a few pieces of fruit. Hopefully after the gala, Lena will go back to being better at eating, and well, everything else again. Kara hopes the gala is only a little bump in the road of Lena’s recovery and not a cliff she’s fallen off with no way back up.

Neither of them is involved in the gala preparations and they spend the day in companionable silence, each reading a book, retreating to their own rooms after tea time to get dressed in their fancy gowns.

Kara forgets how to breathe for a few long moments. Her mouth goes dry and her heartbeat picks up speed. Despite the grim look on her face – more suitable for a funeral than a gala – Lena is still the most gorgeous woman Kara has ever seen. Her deep red dress fits her curves perfectly and her matching lipstick draws Kara’s eyes involuntarily to her lips. Dark curls are swept over one shoulder, leaving the other bare for Kara to stare at.

Lena doesn’t seem to notice Kara’s faltering, her eyes looking off in the distance and her mind clearly elsewhere – probably with her speech. Kara uses Lena’s distracted moments to recompose herself – this is her friend and she needs Kara to be her friend, not some weird person who can’t even function around her.

She hooks her arm with Lena’s and guides them outside. A driver – adorned in a suit and even wearing one of those driver’s caps – is waiting for them and opens the door to let them enter the sleek limousine before slipping into the driver’s seat. She introduces herself as Meghan and tells them she’ll be waiting outside the gala for them to drive them back whenever they want.

The grim look on Lena’s face only gets harsher the closer they get to LuthorCorp. Before the moment it appears in view, it hadn’t occurred to Kara this is the exact same building where everyone Lena loved got killed and she nearly died herself.

The building looks like nothing ever happened but when Kara looks over to her friend, there’s a stony look on her face, as if Lena’s trying to just block out all emotions. Kara doesn’t know if and how she should comfort her but when Lena takes a strained breath she opts for a single hand on the ravenette’s knee. Lena smiles weakly at her in gratitude, finally really acknowledging Kara’s presence, before focussing somewhere outside the window again – presumably LuthorCorp tower.

Meghan stops the car at the beginning of a long red carpet trailing up to the entrance of LuthorCorp. Both sides of the carpet are lined by paparazzi trying to get the best picture of the invitees. Meghan takes a moment to look at Kara and Lena in the mirror and Kara sends her a small smile.

“If you want, I can drive you up back so you don’t have to walk here with all these cameras,” the chauffeur offers. Kara looks at Lena for an answer. Lena is the one who would draw attention and might not want to be in the centre of it.

Lena looks at Kara for a moment but when she notices Kara is waiting for her to decide she replies, “Thank you, Meghan, but that won’t be necessary.”

Meghan nods, schooling her features that have softened in kind back to her professional look before getting out and rounding the car to open the door for her passengers and help first Kara and then Lena out.

Lena has made a remarkable shift in outward emotion; a professional and wide smile is plastered on her face when she enters the spotlights. Kara can tell it’s fake but she wonders if anyone else can. Lena doesn’t let her look at their audience long enough to determine whether they know. She hooks her arm with Kara's and they walk to the door at a steady pace, only briefly stopping a few times to pose for a picture or nod at someone.

Inside the doors, Lena immediately inflates when she notices there’s no one else there.

“One down,” she says, reluctantly trudging to the elevator.

Kara looks around the vast lobby as they wait for the elevator to arrive. It’s all modern and white. Clean and impersonal but in a beautiful way. The only splash of colour a bouquet of flowers on the front desk.

The elevator pings its arrival and Kara feels Lena steel herself again by her side. They get into the car, arms still locked, and the lift attendant presses the top floor button. Kara is relieved when the doors shut without anyone else trying to join them so their fake moment of peace can last a little longer.

The second the doors part again a cacophony of sounds fills Kara’s ears. It’s almost overwhelming. Loud talking, clinking of glasses, footsteps and a string quartet all fight for her attention, battling with a bright array of colours and movements. It’s been a long time since Kara got really overstimulated to the point of mentally shutting down and she gulps hard. She can do this. She also survived the carnival with Ruby last year. That was worse.

She has to do this for Lena. Lena, who has slightly stiffened again by her side as she takes everything in. Kara snaps out of her own inner turmoil, consciously shutting out all irrelevant stimuli, and drags Lena off to a quiet corner. They both use the moment to adjust to the busy venue, though Lena seems more used to it than Kara.

 

It isn’t long before someone spots them – or rather, spots Lena – and walks over for a conversation. Lena handles it incredibly well and Kara has to admit she’s extremely impressed. It’s only a short talk, Lena makes sure of that, somehow ending the conversation quickly without hurting the man’s ego. Lena clearly has been trained at that from a young age. She smoothly converses with anyone who walks up to her and manages to steer every single question and comment away from her and to the other person, only giving vague answers and never sharing anything personal about herself.

Through the whole thing, she never once loses contact with Kara but also manages to have no one ask who she is. Kara can see how strenuous the night already is to Lena, though, and hopes it moves along quickly.

After another pompous man talking to Lena – they never really seem to talk _with_ her, only to her – Kara’s wish is granted. A loud bell rings, announcing time for dinner and indicating it’s time to go find their places at their assigned tables.

They’re served entrees with a lot of greens and vegetables and both Lena and Kara kill their time by moving the once nicely plated food around on their plates, neither taking more than a small bite. Kara hopes the main course will be better because she doesn’t really want to spend the rest of the night hungry but it seems like fate has other ideas. The main course is more greens and other ingredients Kara doesn’t recognise.

Lillian must have arranged for them to not receive any alcoholic beverages because where everyone else’s glasses are filled with wine, Kara and Lena’s only hold water. It’s a good thing because Lena shouldn’t drink with her meds, though Kara has a feeling she might very much want to. Lena doesn’t once complain and doesn’t seem fazed by it either, though she hasn’t shown a lot of emotion anyway tonight.

Their table companions are quiet, talking amongst each other about some new machine and Kara gathers they’ve been seated with some LuthorCorp employees. At least they don’t seem to mind Kara and Lena not engaging them in conversation and don’t seem to be bothered by the heiress’s presence either.

After the main course is picked up by the waiters, Lillian ascends the small stage at the head of the room. She gives a speech about LuthorCorp’s achievements, their profit growth this year despite the small financial setback they suffered two years ago – Kara thinks it’s a very disrespectful and inconsiderate way to talk about an event that killed several employees and almost cost Lillian her daughter, but she’s also learned Lillian doesn’t care about being respectful or considerate. The Luthor matriarch thanks some investors and cooperating companies before she invites Lena up onto the stage.

Kara quickly gives Lena’s hand a small squeeze in support and Lena thanks her quietly before getting up and striding to the stage.

 

Lena begins with the mandatory thanking everyone for coming but quickly diverges to talk about what she wants to, to frustration of Lillian, whom Kara can just see at the side of the room with a sour look on her face that turns worse with every word that Lena utters that wasn’t in Lillian’s script. But Lillian can hardly remove Lena from the stage by force. That would ruin her reputation and reputation is everything to Lillian Luthor.

Lena doesn’t shy away from talking about the accident – bombing, Lex did it on purpose, Kara reminds herself – like Lillian did. She doesn’t shy away from personal stuff either, openly telling everyone about how she blamed herself when she realised she was the only survivor from her department. She takes her time to commemorate all of her deceased colleagues and friends with several lines about how they were as people and what Lena misses about each of them each day. She thanks every single one of them for everything they did and highlights specific reasons.

When she gets to Jack, she falters for a moment and her eyes roam the audience until they find Kara. Kara tries very hard to send Lena all her strength from across the room and smiles encouragingly at her. She’s doing so good, commanding the room with her mere presence even in her more vulnerable moments.

Lena takes in a breath and gets back to her speech, talking about how she and Jack would tease each other and how she’ll always miss his inclination to bet on the most mundane things, like whether the bee in the park would pick the yellow or pink flower – it picked Jack’s milkshake. She gives the audience a moment to laugh before continuing on a more serious note.

“Most of all, I’d like to thank Jack for his unwavering support and trust. For always believing in me, even when I didn’t myself and for being my beard when I needed him to.

“The majority of you might not know what a beard is, aside from the facial hair, but I hope you will understand when I get to next person.”

Her fingers unconsciously stroke the scar on her other hand, a gesture only Kara notices for what it is.

“Jess. Sweet, lovely Jess. Every day I regret making you lie to your parents because I wasn’t ready. Mr. and Mrs. Huang; I’m sorry and I know it’s too late for that but I hope you will sleep a little better knowing Jessica was very happy. Apart from the lying to you part.” Lena pries her gaze away from Jess’s parents to look at the entire audience again.

“See, this is where Jack being my beard comes in. Jack was my pretend boyfriend. My excuse to spend the night elsewhere. My saving grace to not have to answer whether I already had a boyfriend, knowing having a real one would never happen.

“Mr. and Mrs. Huang I know how much you wanted to meet Jess’s girlfriend and how much you probably regret never having done so, not even at her funeral, but I’d like to tell you that you did. You met her on numerous occasions, just never as her girlfriend. Now, you might have already deduced where this is going but I’ll spell it out for those who haven’t.

“I was Jessica’s girlfriend. We were happy together. We were good for each other. I just wasn’t ready to make it public. My family wouldn’t have allowed it and I didn’t want Jess to get caught in the crossfire. So, I’m sorry for hiding, Mr. and Mrs. Huang. I’m sorry for not being strong enough.”

Kara can see a single tear glisten on Lena’s cheek as gravity pulls it down. She holds her breath as she waits for Lena to continue as her heart swells with pride and love for her friend and her bravery.

“It took a long time for me to let go but I think this is the final step. I love Jess but I believe she would have wanted me to move on. She was always the optimist and gave unwavering mental support and I will always miss her and how she could sweetly smile at someone during a debate while she eviscerated them but I hope you understand I can no longer cling to the past. And I’m done hiding.”

Without waiting for a reaction, Lena descends the stage and makes a beeline for her seat. The audience looks at her in surprise. Half of them does a bad attempt at hiding their shock or disdain while the other half looks amused or impressed. Lena doesn’t seem to notice any of it as she drops inelegantly in her seat with her back turned to the room.

Lillian tries to recompose herself as she ascends the stage again to start the rest of the gala with a few last words and an attempt to stop the silent murmuring travelling through the audience. She ends with a wistful, “Enjoy dessert,” before leaving the stage with a lot less dignity than before. Kara wonders what the repercussions for Lena – and consequently her – are but Lena doesn’t seem bothered by her mother’s behaviour.

The ravenette looks done with the night, tired yet somehow lighter even than before Lillian demanded her to be present at the event. Servers with large plates filled with tiny desserts enter the room and serve everyone food. Lena barely looks at hers before turning to Kara.

“I’d like to go home, if you don’t mind,” she says quietly. Kara wonders for a split second if it’s so no one can hear them or just complete – social – exhaustion.

“Sure,” Kara replies, putting her handkerchief back on the table and getting up already. She excuses them to their table companions, who don’t seem to mind their departure one bit, having diverged to a discussion on which material is best suited for their new tech. Arms hooked together, they head for the hallway and elevators in it. Kara presses the button and hopes Lillian won’t catch them leaving and drag them back.

It’s not Lillian who finds them. An older Asian couple walks up to them. Their arms are hooked together in a similar fashion to Kara and Lena’s, though the woman seems to use it to support the man while walking. Kara watches Lena’s face contract with worry and lets her arm go from Lena’s in favour of resting it on the small of her back for hidden comfort.

“Lena,” the old woman begins, moving her hands forward in an inviting gesture to Lena. “You are a beautiful and brave woman.” Lena catches the woman’s – Kara assumes it’s Mrs. Huang – hands halfway and gently cradles them in her own.

“I’m glad we finally learned the truth,” Mrs. Huang continue, “we loved you like our own daughter and we will continue to do so, even if you’re living your own life away from us. I’m happy Jess found you and got to spend the last leg of her life in your company, being happy. I had never seen her smile, like she did when she talked about her girlfriend, before she met you. I wish you all the best. You’re right, Jessica, and us too, would want you to move on. Find a sweet new girlfriend-” Mrs. Huang suddenly looks over at Kara, who can’t help the blush creeping up her neck- “and spend the rest of your life with her, being as happy as Jess was with you.”

Lena doesn’t seem able to form words but Mrs. Huang doesn’t seem to mind much, giving the younger woman’s hands a small squeeze before letting go.

“Thank you,” Mr. Huang adds, “for giving us closure and for making our Jessica happy.” He squeezes Lena’s forearm before holding onto his wife again and shuffling away with her.

Lena looks visibly disconcerted and lets Kara guide her to the car and then to the manor, spending the entire commute in brooding silence. In her bedroom, she lets Kara help her slip her dress off but declines the pyjamas being handed to her.

“Do you want to go for a ride with me?” she asks instead and when Kara hesitates she adds, “We can go to McDonalds or that other place you like for food. I know you must be hungry because you barely ate anything and usually you have the appetite of a horse.”

Kara chuckles; she can’t deny that statement. She’d kill for some decent food, not that green mush they served at the gala. “Sure.”

Lena is already half-dressed in jeans and a sweater before Kara realises she’s still in her inconvenient gown. She moves over to Lena and lets her help her out of the dress.

Ten minutes later they’re in Lena’s blue car speeding away from the mansion. They stop to get food and Kara orders enough to feed a small army – that army being only her tonight – and a veggie burger in hopes of getting Lena to eat something.

Lena drives like she’s in a high-speed car chase but Kara doesn’t mind. She can see Lena relax more with each passing mile and watches the trees speed by and the down-curl of Lena’s lips lessen. It’s only several minutes before Lena pulls over, parking the car in the gutter. She’s stopped at a familiar place and Kara doesn’t have to ask where they’re going next. They’ve frequented this spot and in silence they walk up the small grassy hill, Kara with the food in hand and Lena with a blanket from the trunk.

 

In the time it takes Kara to eat her own vast amount of food, Lena manages to finish her veggie burger and snatch a few of Kara’s fries. They share a large milkshake while silently staring at the stars splattered in the sky.

“I want to visit Lex,” Lena eventually says, breaking the peaceful quiet of a cricket orchestra.

Kara makes an acknowledging sound but doesn’t really know what to say, taken aback by the idea. It doesn’t really sound like a great one but at the same time, Lex is Lena’s brother, so it could be good for her to visit him for more closure. For their relationship. For Lena.

“You don’t have to come if you don’t want to,” Lena quickly reassures her. “I can drive myself. Just don’t tell my mother.”

“No, no. I’ll come. You might need a friend.” Kara bunches up their food wrappers and puts them back in the paper bag.

Lena nods in answer and sighs, letting herself flop back so she’s lying down on the blanket and staring up at the stars. Kara puts the bag to the side and copies Lena’s new position so they’re lying shoulder to shoulder.

“I just need to know why he did it. Why I survived and the rest didn’t,” Lena explains quietly. Kara hums in response but doesn’t comment any further. Lena feels suddenly so small by her side and she has to repress the urge to reach out and grab her hand. To brush away some of the hairs that have fallen over Lena’s face. To cup her cheek and trace the curve of her jaw with a single finger. Instead, she cards her fingers through the grass on one side and against the fabric of the blanket beneath them on the other, tracing idle patterns and trying to keep her fingers from slipping against Lena who’s lying so close next to her.

Both are lost in thought for a long while. Kara looks to the side another time. The light of the moon makes Lena’s skin almost look like it’s made of marble and Kara wonders, not for the first time, if Lena was handcrafted by the gods.

“Kara?” Lena’s voice breaks her musing.

“Hmmmm? Err, uhm.” Kara needs a moment to gather her thoughts and remember how words work.

Lena laughs candidly at Kara’s inability to talk. Kara hopes she doesn’t know why she’s forgotten how language works and that the darkness hides the deep blush creeping up her cheeks.

“Where did you just go?” Lena asks, amusement still obvious in her voice but Kara feels no real shame anymore. This is how she likes Lena’s voice best. Light and happy.

“Just dreaming,” Kara replies, somewhere between a truth and a lie.

“About what?” Lena turns on her side to face Kara, tucking her hands beneath her head. Kara’s mind involuntarily wonders how it would be to wake up like this in the morning. With Lena looking at her with a twinkle in her green eyes – Kara hopes it’s a real twinkle and not the moonlight playing tricks on her – and no one to disturb their quiet moment. Or maybe a kid or two running into their bedroom and jumping on—

“Kara?” Lena laughs again. She’s right. Kara should stop. There’s no healthy way for that fantasy to end. She shouldn’t even be thinking about it in the first place. Kara mentally takes the thought and shoves it in a box, pushing it away deep down in her mind.

“Must be a really good dream. Care to share?” Lena’s lips are curled up and her eyes stare at Kara with so much openness, honesty and curiosity Kara can’t deny her anything. Though maybe she does censor the full truth.

“Just thinking about the future,” she says.

“Some future that must be.” Lena says, feigning lightness but the way her smile turns grim betrays her.

“Mhmm,” Kara hums, “but it’s just a foolish fantasy.”

“Oh.” It’s Lena’s turn to be a little taken aback. “Well, at least you have something nice to fantasise about." She turns back on her back, staring up at the sky again.

“Yeah,” Kara sighs and turns her head back to the sky too to continue their silent stargazing.

It’s another few minutes before Lena speaks again. “You think next time it’s okay if I go to the store by myself and cook us dinner? I need to know if I’m okay doing stuff for myself so maybe one day I can get my own place again.”

“Of course,” Kara reassures her. “Do you already know what you want to make?”

“There’s a dish I would make Jess and she’d always eat it, no matter how bad she was doing. She taught me how to make it. I’d like to have it again without feeling guilty.” Lena looks far away, staring at something beyond even the stars. Once again, her fingers find the scar on the palm of her hand, hand clutched together over her stomach.

“Sounds good.”

Kara attempts to nod. It ends up a little awkward with her hair getting tangled on the blanket but Lena isn’t looking anyway and Kara totally does not care what she thinks because she doesn’t have to impress her. Lena already is her best friend.

“Maybe I can visit her parents too, someday,” Lena contemplates quietly.

“They seem like really nice people. I’m sure they would enjoy that,” Kara encourages. Lena nods and rests her cheek against Kara’s shoulder while she lets another silence fall.

Hours later, Lena and Kara sneak back into the manor. Cold but content and Kara’s heart feels full from their deep conversation and from spending the night in Lena’s company, though she still doesn’t know what it really means. Doesn’t understand why Lena makes her feel like that and why she daydreams about a future with Lena and kids. It’s not something she’s done before and she already has Lena as a friend so there’s not really anywhere else for them to go.


	8. Chapter 8

Kara waits outside for Lena. The cars in the parking lot shimmer in the same sun that warms her skin. Birds are chirping from green trees sending out calm vibes that she tries to channel but fails miserably at, being distracted by the dull grey building in front of her. Walls decorated with barbed wire and cameras make up her view. She knows she won’t be able to breathe properly until Lena is safely outside. In one piece.

Nervously tapping her feet, she waits for Lena to re-emerge from the prison. Time passes dreadfully slowly and Kara attempts to read a book so she can distract herself from the time but she can’t concentrate. Her eyes keep drifting away from the page and to the large doors or her watch.

It’s only been half an hour when the doors open and Lena emerges from them, back and shoulders straight until the doors fall close behind her, and then her posture droops. Kara supresses the urge to rush over and wrap her arms around Lena, instead toeing the dirt beneath her feet as she waits for Lena to close the distance between them. Lena slumps down next to her, letting out a deep sigh in the process. To Kara’s surprise, Lena immediately curls into her side and she instinctively wraps an arm around the ravenette.

“I told you it was my fault everyone died,” she eventually says, voice barely louder than a whisper.

“What do you mean? You didn’t kill anyone. You didn’t plant that bomb, you didn’t tell your brother to kill your friends,” Kara fiercely replies.

“No,” Lena whispers, “but I shouldn’t have survived instead of them.”

Kara bites back a snarky reply. She thought Lena was past this. That she’d dealt with her guilt and had given it a place. Lena’s face, however, does give away there’s more going on right now and Kara gives her the time and space to share on her own terms.

It takes a few minutes, during with Lena starts softly crying and Kara pulls her closer to comfort her, but eventually Lena shares. “I shouldn’t have survived because it was me who was the target.” Her voice breaks on the last word and Kara brings her free arm around Lena’s front to hug her more completely. “Lex rigged my new device. I was supposed to run the test alone but the rest were so curious they joined me. They weren’t even supposed to be there. I should’ve been alone when it exploded. I should have died, not them.”

“Your brother tried to kill you?” Kara asks when Lena stops talking and casts her eyes down to fumble with the hem of her sweater. “Why?”

“He found out about Jess,” Lena says matter-of-factly, as if trying to kill a sibling because they’re in a same-sex relationship isn’t outrageous.

“He tried to kill you because of Jess?” Kara tries to keep the anger from her voice but she’s not sure she succeeds. She’s reeling. The only reason she isn’t marching into the prison right now to kill Lex Luthor with her own bare hands is because his little sister is tucked beneath her arm and clearly in need of comfort and reassurance.

“Yes,” Lena mumbles.

“It’s not your fault he’s so intolerant he’d take lives over it. It’s not your fault your family thinks like they do and your family doesn’t make who you are. You do. Lena, you have no fault in what happened. You are not accountable for your brother’s deeds, no matter how much he tries to use you as an excuse. It’s not normal to want to kill someone over being gay and it’s not your fault. It is _not_ your fault, Lena,” Kara repeats strongly. Another corpse, she tells herself and briefly wonders how many more there are before shifting her attention back to her friend.

Lena weakly nods her head but doesn’t seem convinced yet. Kara can’t really blame her though. It must be extremely hard to first lose your friends and girlfriend and later find out you were the actual target. To learn your brother hates who you are so much he wants you dead. To even just have a brother who’s so vehemently against part of your identity. Kara is sure if Alex were to denounce her like that, she’d feel like part of her died. Like she can never be herself anymore.

 

It is in that fashion that Lena behaves after their visit. As if a piece of her died. She doesn’t show any emotion when Lillian vituperates her. Doesn’t flinch when Kara later presses an ice pack to her reddened cheek, where Kara is sure Lillian struck her daughter as soon as any potential witnesses left.

Lena doesn’t really seem to have fun in life anymore, going through the motions for the sake of going through them, not for herself or for enjoyment. Playing games and watching movies with Kara because Kara asks her to, no longer initiating anything herself.

It feels as if she’s slipping away. Kara has lost her grip and doesn’t know how to help. Neither does Alex. All of her sister’s suggestions are tested and all fail. In the end, it’s one of Lena’s doctor’s suggestions that turns things around and causes Lena to become more herself again. Slowly.

They visit Jess’s grave.

They haven’t since the visit to Lex and it’s rough. Lena breaks down, sobbing inconsolably at the foot of the headstone, chanting she’s sorry over and over again. She’s completely spent by the time the tears stop and Kara doesn’t make her move or go home. It’s hours before the cemetery closes. Lena sits on the grass for most of them. First, she does so in silence after her crying spell, then she’s apologising profusely again followed by more silence.

The sun has started its steady decline, colouring the sky an array of shades of red, orange and blue by the time Lena talks again. “I can’t go on like this.”

Kara doesn’t know if it’s directed at her or Jess but the words give her an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of her stomach. The short sentence sounds eerie. Especially coming from Lena, who has a history of attempted suicides.

“I’ll try to make the best of it. For you,” follows softly. Kara almost misses it, too lost in worried thoughts of Lena dying. This is clearly directed at Jess, Lena’s fingers tracing the letters of her name on the stone in front of her.

“I’ll live the best life I can and try to be happy. If you can somehow see me, you don’t deserve seeing me like this.” Lena stays in some sort of trance for a brief moment, fingers on the headstone still tracing the letters but moving to random patterns on the smooth surface above and on the sides of Jess’s name. When Lena snaps out of it she slowly gets up with stiff limbs and turns to Kara.

“I think I want to work on getting to move out,” she says softly. Before Kara can reply with words, bobbing her head in agreement first, Lena gently wipes some leaves from Jess’s gravestone and walks away towards the car.

* * *

 

Slowly, Lena recovers again. Kara wonders sometimes if Lena has been a terrible person in a previous life with all the setbacks and heartache she has to endure. Kara really hopes this has been the last of them.

They work on Lena’s independence, having her cook her own meals, clean her own room and do her own laundry with less and less help and prompting from Kara.

Eventually, Kara even changes rooms, living in another wing than Lena and she realises how much she’d enjoyed spending a lot of time with the youngest Luthor. And that’s just after moving a few feet away. This separation might be harder on Kara than Lena, she thinks as she spends another night alone. Lena had told her they probably wouldn’t be able to spend each night together once she’s back living alone and though Kara agrees it feels even more lonely than when she first started this job. Now, she knows her best friend is under the same roof but actually doesn’t want to see her. It’s harder than having her friends and family live miles away in the city.

Apartment hunting is almost a relief. A torturous relief. She gets to spend more time with Lena again but with every place Lena likes and considers, a feeling of dread lodges itself deeper in Kara’s stomach. It’s becoming more and more real. Lena is moving away from the Luthor mansion and doesn’t need Kara anymore.

Kara starts doubting whether Lena sees her as a good friend too and whether she’ll even want to see her when they’re no longer contractually tied together. When she voices this concern to Alex, she’s quickly shot down. Alex reassures her Lena really likes her or she wouldn’t still come along with Kara to visits at Alex and Sam’s or allow Kara to join her during apartment hunting.

Kara is kind of thankful apartment hunting takes a while. It gives her more time to get used to the idea of living on her own again and to actually find a place for herself. There’s less choice in her price range so she has a place before Lena does and Lena helps her move her stuff from the garage box she’d stored most of it at after she moved out of her previous place when it was clear she’d be staying with the Luthors for a while.

Still, eventually the dreaded day they both officially move out of Luthor manor arrives. Kara has to bite back tears. She needs to be strong for Lena because Lena needs this. Luthor manor hasn’t been healthy for her.

Lillian doesn’t show up for her own daughter moving out but Lena and Kara barely notice. First, they say goodbye to the entire staff and then each other. Their hug lasts too long and it’s tight but neither of them notices or cares. They don’t want to let go. Eventually, they have to.

It’s not goodbye for forever, Kara tells herself. She’s got Lena’s number and her address. She can call and visit. They can keep having movie nights and play games.

Lena drives ahead of Kara and she tries to follow the ravenette as long as possible, until she really really has to take another turn to get to her own place.

She spends her first night alone moping and nearly calling Lena a dozen times but every time she catches herself pulling up Lena’s contact information on her phone screen, she tells herself not to. She ends up calling Alex and complaining to her while eating a tub of ice cream. At least she doesn’t bother Lena. She’s probably having one of the best nights of her life. A free woman once more.

* * *

 

The next night, one Kara spends with Lena watching movies because Lena asked her to, she learns her friend’s first night was about as good as her own, sans Alex. They make a pact, promising each other to call or text the other when they’re having a rough night. Or day. Or week.

“Are you sure?” Kara asks, motivated by the persistent insecurity Lena won’t want her in her life now that she’s no longer living under Lillian’s roof, despite all the contradicting evidence of lingering hugs and promises to continue having game- and movie nights.

“You’re my only friend, Kara, of course I’m sure. Are you?” Lena throws back, adorably biting her lower lip.

“You’re my best friend. Of course I’m sure,” Kara parrots with a laugh.

Lena’s smile is bright and wide, making her nose crinkle slightly and her eyes twinkle in that way that Kara loves so much. Kara spends the rest of the night dedicated to making Lena smile that way as much as possible and leaves far too late for a week night – even though they’re both still job hunting and don’t have an early morning the day after.

Free time she doesn’t spend with Lena is dedicated to applying to jobs, interview after interview, with her sister, other friends or baby-sitting Ruby – because, “Kara, you don’t have a job, you love your niece and the freezer is stocked with ice cream and pizza” – or alone.

It takes a while for her to settle into a comfortable rhythm and have a good balance. She nearly runs herself ragged trying to find a job until Alex calls her out on it. She made decent money while employed by the Luthors and, because she had hardly any expenses during that time, she has saved enough money to not have to stress about finding a job yesterday. It’s just not something she’s used to, having always lived from paycheck to paycheck.

Lena seems to have an equally hard time finding work. She has a nearly two-year gap in her resume and a very tainted last name to go with it. Her very public coming out at the LuthorCorp gala, quickly finding its way to YouTube and other media, doesn’t seem to help her case either. Even in 2018, being LGBT+ is a reason for discrimination. Kara knew this but it shocks her how bad it still really is. She’s never really experienced it like that, she doesn’t hide her bisexuality but it doesn’t come up a lot either and she’s usually been with men so far, making her identity more invisible for outsiders.

They both find jobs. Eventually.

As work starts to eat at their free time, they spend less of it together but they do keep their promise and occasionally call or text when they need some company, the other showing up at their doorstep as soon as they can manage.

They also text casually. A lot. Kara likes to share cute animal videos and pictures or writes entire essays on the dog she met on her way to work. Lena’s texts are a little more formal, as if she needs to get used to texting. Again. She gradually starts sharing healthy snack ideas and sends Kara pictures of every dog she encounters. Kara loves it. Lena also starts to text with a lot of emojis, sometimes leaving Kara with an intricate puzzle to figure out what she means to say. It’s very Lena.

Movie nights continue. Game nights are merged with the ones Kara used to have with her other friends and they sometimes have dinner at Alex and Sam’s together. Lena fits in their friend group like a glove and Kara can’t remember what game nights were like without Lena.

To make up for some lost time together, they start to share lunches, meeting at restaurants or a park to eat together and parting ways again when lunch break is over. Kara loves those days most. She loves seeing Lena in the suit she is determined to wear for some crazy reason – Luthor upbringing, a voice whispers in the back of her mind. She also loves seeing Lena relax and her features soften. Her easy smile, her kind eyes. Her attention all focussed on Kara. How their interactions are so effortless. Lena coming more and more into her own, resting her hand on Kara’s arm when she throws her head back to laugh her melodic laugh.

Kara also loves their movie nights where, no matter how late Lena works – Kara’s learned she’s quite the workaholic – and if she has time to go home and change, they end up on Kara’s soft couch in pyjamas or sweatpants and hoodies, sharing a blanket and a tub of ice cream. Their shoulders always touch and Kara always wraps her arm around Lena during the intro of the first movie, causing Lena to relax against the cushions more and tuck herself into Kara’s side, pulling Kara’s other arm around her too.

Kara loves the soft moments. She also loves Lena going into, what she likes to call, Luthor mode and telling handsy men or rude women off with a friendly smirk on her boldly painted lips.

Actually, Kara just loves all moments with Lena.

Life’s a little easier with her in it. Days don’t seem so long and dragging with occasional texts giving her something else to think about for a moment every few hours. Nights alone aren’t as lonely knowing she can call her friend if she needs it – and doing so sometimes. It’s inevitable something ends up ruining it. Kara should have expected it. Life can’t be perfect and something always goes wrong.

At first, it seems like Lena is having another relapse. She doesn’t text as frequently, often taking hours to respond. Her smiles seem more strained and she physically distances herself from Kara. No more hands on her arms, no more cuddling at movie nights, no more impromptu sleepovers when Lena nearly falls asleep during a movie.

What irks Kara most is Lena not telling her what’s going on. She’d promised Kara to tell her if she’s starting to feel bad again yet all Kara currently gets is radio silence. She talks to Alex about her worry and, as always, her sister seems to know exactly what to do.

“Just give her some time, Kara,” she says to the blonde lying on her living room couch. “Eventually she’ll have to tell you.”

Kara squints her eyes at the redhead, regarding her for a moment. “Do you know what’s going on?”

“If I did, I wouldn’t tell you anyway. It’s not my place.” Alex pushes a steaming mug in her hand and nudges her to sit up and make room for her.

“But you know and I don’t?” Kara asks but Alex’s face remains stoic as she blows at her hot beverage. “Does it have to do with me? Doesn’t Lena want to friends anymore but is she too scared to say? Does-”

“God, no, Kara,” Alex interrupts her rambling. “It’s nothing like that.”

“So you do know what it is?” Kara concludes, sitting up a little straighter and fixing Alex with an accusatory glare.

“Maybe but I’m not telling you either way,” Alex states.

Kara pouts at her sister and, when she doesn’t budge, throws in her puppy dog eyes. She makes her voice sound tiny and whines an, “Alex,” but it’s only met with silence and a raised eyebrow. Usually this technique works wonders on her sister. Kara petulantly crosses her arms, frowns and throws herself back against the couch cushions – carefully because she’s still holding a scalding drink.

“I’m not going to break Lena’s trust when I’ve just earned it,” Alex explains.

“But I’m your favourite sister,” Kara whines.

“You’re my only sister. You wouldn’t want me telling other people stuff you told me in confidence either. I don’t care you’re my sister. Your safety isn’t in danger so I’m not telling. Now, you can stop sulking and tell me about your week or I can kick you out.”

Kara considers her options for a moment and quickly wipes her pout off her face. She’s actually glad Lena feels confident enough to confide in someone else and maybe that someone else being Alex is an even better thing. Her sister and her best friend getting along that well actually feels really nice.

Then, Kara realises something. “Wait,” she says, looking at Alex with a pondering look, “when did you and Lena talk?”

“Uhm, Thursday I think.”

“That little-” Kara starts saying, feeling a little angry but she can’t think of an insult to call Lena. She can’t be mean to Lena and the comparison for Lena she can come up with out of the blue is ‘kitten’. Not very intimidating. “She told me she was busy when I asked.”

“She was.” Alex doesn’t reveal anything else. No matter how much Kara appreciated Lena and Alex getting along minutes ago, now it leaves an empty feeling in her chest knowing she came second to her sister.

“Hey, don’t take it personal,” Alex says quickly. “She just wanted to know something and ask for some advice.”

“She could have come to me,” Kara grouses.

“No, she couldn’t. Not about this.” Alex wraps her arm around Kara’s shoulder. “But you had dinner together yesterday, right?” As if that would make the rejection and lie sting less.

“We did.”

“And lunch today?” Alex adds.

It’s true. So, maybe Lena still spends more time with Kara. For now. She should make sure time with her is more fun than with Alex. Maybe take Lena out to do something special. She did mention wanting to visit the observatory at night once. If Kara can arrange that, Lena can’t say no.

“Yes.” Kara decides not to let Alex realise this is a competition and quickly changes the subject, losing herself in a ramble about work.


	9. Chapter 9

They’re at the observatory at night when everything really comes crashing down. It’s getting really late – or rather, early – and they’re about to head out when Lena pulls Kara aside to a secluded bench.

“I had a really fun night tonight, Kara. Thank you for taking me,” she says but the sad look in her eyes makes Kara realise there’s something very, very bad looming overhead. The unspoken ‘but’ is so strong Kara hardly listens to Lena’s compliment.

Lena bites her lower lip for a moment and looks at Kara. Kara feels like she’s about to be broken up with when she’s not even in a relationship. Not like that at least. Friendship breakups are the hardest, she once heard someone proclaim and she’s inclined to agree. Whatever would she do without Lena?

At this point it’s inevitable, though, and there’s nothing more she can do about it except prepare herself for the harsh words about to be uttered.

“I got offered a job transfer. A promotion really,” Lena continues, her hands fidgety but her words sure. Kara didn’t expect them but, in the end, they say the same as ‘I want to breakup’. “It’s in Ireland.”

For a solid minute, Kara doesn’t know what to say. She was prepared to be let down, be told she wasn’t good enough or it wasn’t her but Lena. She was not prepared for Lena telling her she’s moving to the other side of the world. Kara knows how important work has become for Lena. Always had been but even more so now, away from her mother’s influence and meddling.

“Ireland,” Kara manages to whisper after she’s got her bearings back. A little.

“Ireland,” Lena confirms. “I already accepted. It’s not for forever though.”

It isn’t any consolation. Lena is still moving away. Far away. Kara can’t afford to just fly over to Ireland for a movie night if she misses Lena or feels alone. Not to mention the duration of said flight or the impossible time difference. They’d only be awake at the same time for a few hours a day.

“How long?” Kara feels like she’s dreaming. Like she’s not here herself. Like someone else is moving her lips and making her talk.

“Depends on how well I do.” Lena’s eyes search Kara for something. Kara isn’t sure what, so she can’t willingly give it to her and she’s not sure Lena finds it but the ravenette starts talking again. “Initially only to deal with a merger. That could be anywhere between two to six months, probably around four or five is the estimate right now. Then maybe they want me to stay to help reorganise their R&D division if the merger is successful. That could be a few years.” Lena casts her eyes down as she waits for Kara’s reaction. She hunches in on herself a little, likely preparing for Kara to scream or even get physical. Kara is not Lillian, though, and it saddens her a little Lena hasn’t realised that yet. Or hasn’t been able to shake the deeply ingrained habit, which might be even sadder.

“A few years.” Kara is unable to form her own words, sticking to reciting Lena’s so she at least has something to say.

“Or only two months,” Lena rushes to say, looking up again.

Even two months seem like an eternity if she has to spend them without Lena. Kara’s not sure how she’d survive. She would, of course, if it were just to wait for Lena’s return. Kara always keeps going. Doesn’t mean she’ll be happy about it.

“When?” she asks then, half fearing Lena waited to tell her until the day before she leaves so it can’t really get awkward between them.

“Next month,” she answers instead. “In a little over four weeks.”

Kara nods mechanically and a silence falls over them for a while. A loudly giggling couple startles them both from thought. As soon as the couple notices there’s other people in the small area, they turn beet red and scurry away.

Lena takes Kara’s hand and leads them out.

The fresh air outside is nice, a welcoming cold to it but not biting. Kara spends the rest of the night in a daze as Lena talks to her on the car ride over to drop her off. It takes a long time for her to fall asleep when she’s finally in bed. The heat from Lena’s hand in hers lingers for days, as if trying to rub in Kara’s face what she’s going to miss. It would have been difficult enough without the reminder.

 

Kara needs almost a week to get over herself and realise Lena doesn’t owe her anything, especially not staying in the country. Reality hits her hard and she’s wasted nearly one of the four and a half weeks Lena had left in the USA by sulking alone. From then on, she tries to make the best out of the three weeks and five days that re left, vowing to make Lena have so much fun she won’t want to stay abroad. They go to movies, an amusement park, the zoo, out on nearly daily lunches and, aside from Lena still being physically distant, it almost feels like everything is normal.

Until Lena leaves.

Kara goes to the airport with her to say goodbye. It takes everything she has in her not to beg Lena to ‘please, don’t leave’ and she doesn’t know why. Yes, she’ll miss Lena tremendously but it’s not forever. She’ll live. They can still call and text.

Kara spends a full thirty minutes crying in her car alone and when she’s done she catches herself, for some reason, automatically driving to Lena’s place. Lena, her safe place. It actually makes sense she’s there because she’s feeling sad and Lena’s the first person she’d go to. Before. Now, Lena is boarding a plane to another continent.

Kara turns the car around and heads for Alex instead. She doesn’t want to be alone tonight.

She spends the next weeks on Alex’s couch. Even when Alex isn’t there. Even when Sam and Ruby aren’t there either. Her own couch somehow just feels wrong. She’s so used to Lena’s presence there, even if only in thought and through texts but in the evening, it’s already deep into the night for Lena so there are no texts to keep her company.

She talks to Lena as much as possible, waking up early to take advantage of having Lena’s undivided attention during the Irish nights. Lena tells her about her day, about the city, about the cultural differences and even mentions a new friend, Nia, which makes Kara’s breath hitch for a moment each time she’s mentioned. Kara in turn talks about her own day, sends greetings from their friends and talks about food, dogs and work. They both talk about how they miss each other and it’s almost enough to get rid of the nagging feeling each time Lena mentions Nia.

Pretty soon, it’s clear Lena’s leave is going to last closer to six months than two. The negotiations are harsh and Lena works later and later into the night each week, snooping away from their time together. Kara wants to be angry about it. She misses Lena so much it hurts but she finds herself unable to blame her friend. Lena is just doing her job – maybe a little more than just, but she’s doing what she feels necessary – and she probably doesn’t have much else to do. Kara knows Lena has trouble connecting with new people and will throw herself at work instead.

She worries about her friend, all alone abroad, probably working too much and eating too little. Lena reassures her she’s fine. She looks fine too – albeit a little tired – when they video call and Kara tries to set her worry aside and focus on her own life.

She visits Jack and Jess’s graves for Lena when she asks, refreshing the old flowers with new ones. Lena calls less but does try to still call, never missing an anniversary to talk to Kara and share her grief. They will talk deep into her night and well into Kara’s day. Kara is glad for her flexible job, allowing her to let Lena talk without cutting her off when regular office hours start.

Time creeps by. Eventually, Lena’s merger and negotiations seem to have a visible end in the near future and Kara starts counting down the days. Lena tells her she might, as predicted, be staying to reorganise the R&D department. Kara can’t help feel disappointed.

Alex’s couch changes into Kara’s new apartment, functioning as a place to spend her days as well as nights. That is, until Alex has completely had it with her and tells her to, “go to fucking Ireland if you miss your girlfriend so much but don’t ruin _my_ relationship and family over it.”

Kara furrows her brow in confusion as she stares at her fuming sister blocking her view of the television that was running one of Lena’s favourite shows. “I don’t have a girlfriend.”

Alex scoffs and shakes her head. Kara doesn’t understand. She really doesn’t. Lena isn’t her girlfriend, if that is what Alex meant. For all she knows, Lena’s dating Nia in Ireland and that’s why she’s staying. In any case, she isn’t even in love with her. They’re best friends.

Alex’s features soften and she sinks down on the couch next to her. “Oh, Kara,” she says sympathetically. Kara still doesn’t get it but she has a nagging feeling she’s missing something big. Again. She can be a little oblivious at times and even if she knows it, she doesn’t really know how to change it.

“What?”

Alex wraps her arm around her and pulls her closer. “Kara, are you sure Lena and you are only friends and were behaving as such before she left?”

She should maybe have expected the question but as it is, she’s actually a little surprised by it. It does get her thinking, going over every interaction. They never kissed though, or did anything more. They’re just really close friends.

“We never kissed,” she tells her sister.

“That doesn’t mean anything.” Alex’s meaning is clear. A relationship isn’t defined by kissing.

“We’re not- we never said we were. I’m not in love with her. She doesn’t love me.”

Alex raises a single eyebrow and tilts her head a little as she regards her little sister with a prying look.

“Not like that,” Kara amends but Alex’s brow stays raised.

“You’ve been moping on my couch for nearly half a year, Kara. Sure you’re not in love?”

Kara opens her mouth to reply but snaps it shut when she realises she doesn’t actually know the answer. Alex might be right. Maybe there was something going on other than friendship.

“I don’t know,” Kara admits quietly. “Maybe.”

“I’ve never seen you smile as much as when you’re with Lena,” Alex says. “You two look at each other like you’ve hung the moon and the stars in the sky for each other. You’re even jealous of Lena making a new friend.”

“I’m not jealous,” Kara snarls, much too loud and fast to be convincing.

“You’re not?” Alex asks. “Then tell me why you don’t like Nia.”

“It’s just- Lena deserves better. Not some second-grade assistant who’s barely out of high school and cares about work and other friends more than she does about Lena. Lena deserves someone who puts her and her needs first. Always.” Kara takes a deep breath, filling her deprived lungs with oxygen after ranting without taking a single breath.

“Kara?” Alex untangles herself from her sister and shifts so she can fully face her. “Did you listen to what you just said?”

Kara retraces her words, eyes widening and mouth falling slightly agape when the meaning of them hits her. “I’m in love with Lena.”

All the pieces of evidence she ignored fall into place. Her overbearing, her worrying, her heart fluttering each time Lena entered the same room or came into sight, her chest warming when Lena texted or touched her. The desire to always be in contact, to hug Lena, to hold her hand. To share a future, kiss her and wake up next to her.

Kara jumps up, propelled into action by the new revelation.

“Where’s my passport?” She rummages through her bag but it’s probably still at her own place because she can’t find it here. Before Alex can say anything, she’s sprinting out the door to her car.

When she’s arrived there, she turns around to Alex who’s standing on her porch. “Thanks Alex!” she shouts. “I need to go to Ireland. Right now.”

She hops in her car, races home for her passport and heads to the airport without even packing anything else. The urge to see Lena and confess her feelings larger than her capacity to think straight.

 

Feeling like she’s in a dream, she gets a ticket, lucking out on flight times and only having to wait several hours before she can board. Briefly, she worries over not having a visa but she’s quickly reassured when she finds out she’ll only need one if she’s staying for longer than three months. The flight is long but it doesn’t really register.

Reality doesn’t really hit her until she steps out of the airport in Dublin. She’d been floating on some sort of blissful cloud, only focussed on reaching Ireland. With that goal reached, everything that can go wrong plays on a loop in her mind. What if she can’t find Lena? What if Lena has to stay here for years? Or worse yet, and her most prominent doubt; what if Lena doesn’t feel the same and they stop being friends?

Anxiety bubbles up in her chest, making it hard to breathe. Everything around her is too bright, too loud, too much. All at once and overwhelming.

She hasn’t felt like this in so long. Not since therapy finally helped her cope – in a healthy way – with her parents’ death. With their house exploding. With her aunt running into the flames and never emerging.

A deep breath later and she finds herself in a quiet bathroom stall. She doesn’t know how she got there. Trembling fingers work her phone out of pocket and manage to find Alex’s name in her contacts, pressing the green call button as soon as she registers it.

Not once does she think about the time difference, not even when Alex finally answers with a gruff, _“it’s the middle of the night. This better be damn good.”_

“What if- she doesn’t- like me back,” Kara gasps between irregular shallow breaths. It’s a miracle she’s even able to produce sound, she thinks, but she only has Alex right now and Alex can’t see her. Maybe it’s survival instincts kicking in, making her produce sound.

 _“Kara,”_ Alex says sounding worried, _“breathe. Remember? Long breath in, hold in and slowly breathe out.”_

Kara tries to follow her sister’s instructions, letting Alex coach her to a more regular breathing pattern. It doesn’t ease her worry but at least she doesn’t feel like she’s about to pass out anymore. Her vision clears before she even really realises it had been blurry and contained patches of black. She takes another deep breath and clasps her free hand in her lap to stop the trembling.

“What if Lena doesn’t like me back and we stop being friends?”

_“Even if she doesn’t like you, though I don’t think that’s an issue, that girl is smitten with you, do you really think she’d drop you as a friend? Because that doesn’t sound like the Lena I know.”_

“What if she thinks I’m a joke?”

 _“Really, Kar? As her best friend I’d have thought you’d think a little higher of her,”_ Alex chides.

“I didn’t- you’re right,” Kara concedes. “But what if she’s not ready, after Jess and everything?”

_“You allow her to tell you and you either wait or you move on. As long as you communicate. If she wants it too, you allow her to set the pace. If she doesn’t, you’ll remain friends and maybe you’ll hurt for a while but you can’t blame her for it and eventually you move on. Just like Winn did with you, remember?”_

“I do. Thank you.” Kara bobs her head several times, remembering how her friend used to have a crush on her but she not on him. Spirits renewed, she clambers to her feet and makes her way outside to the bus stop. “I’ll be fine right?” One more confirmation, one more reassurance is all she needs. Hopefully.

 _“You’ll be perfectly fine- Ruby?”_ Alex’s surprised voice drifts away. Kara can make out a muffled conversation on why the tween and Alex are up, the latter tying to send her step-daughter back to bed instead of talking but she fails miserably when she mentions she’s on the phone with Kara.

Kara is about to hang up when her niece’s voice suddenly sounds clearly through the speaker. _“Aunt Kara?”_

“Night kid,” Kara mumbles.

_“Ma says you’re in Ireland.”_

“I am,” Kara confesses. Ruby is way too smart to fall for a lie and Kara is the worst liar in the world anyway.

 _“Are you there for Lena?”_ Ruby is really too clever and observant for her own good.

“Err, yes.”

 _“Good. Go get the girl.”_ Kara can hear Ruby’s satisfied smirk bleed through in her voice. _“And take her home with you because I was just starting to really like her. And maybe you can get her drunk one more time because that was really funny. It’d be awesome to have two cool aunts. And she still owes me a ride in her car.”_

Ruby’s rambling brings a smile back to Kara’s face. Maybe her worrying was a little over the top. Lena really doesn’t strike her as the person to throw everything they have built up away over unrequited feelings.

“Thanks kid,” Kara says.

Right after, she hears Alex scold the tween and then send Kara a quick, _“Good luck,”_ before hanging up the call.

It’s just her now but she has her family there in her heart and her mind and even though what she’s about to do is still scary, it suddenly seems manageable. And very necessary because she would explode if she had to keep all these newfound feelings hidden from her best friend.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before i let you read the last chapter (though you could totally skip ahead and just not read this note) I want to give a huge thanks to everyone who left me comments (long, short, on ao3 or just mentioned anywhere else) and kudos.  
> I hope everyone enjoys this last part of the story! (And if you liked it, I love getting kudos, comments, reblogs on tumblr (@randomramblingsbymyself which I can’t link cause I’m on my phone and very incapable) or recommendations but don’t feel forced to do any of them if it makes you uncomfortable or you’re unable/unwilling to for any other reason.  
> Spread the love and leave a nice comment on the next fic you read because we all got to support and love each other in this fandom right?!  
> Okay, I’m rambling. Just go read hahaha

With a little help from passer-by’s, Kara finds the place Lena is supposedly staying. The mailbox says L. K. Luthor, reassuring Kara she’s at the right place and hasn’t sent some stranger postcards and letters over the last half year – though Lena thanking her for them and sending her own back in reply had already assured her of the latter. 

Bursting with too much nervous energy to stand in an elevator, Kara decides to take the stairs for the five floors it takes to get to Lena’s. She rings the doorbell, hearing it sound through the door, and waits for Lena to answer it.

When the door doesn’t open after a few minutes, Kara rings again. Maybe she should’ve called ahead. Let Lena know she was coming. Make sure she wasn’t intruding. She should definitely have called ahead. What if Lena is out? Or working late – even though it’s a Sunday. What if Lena planned on bringing someone home only to find Kara sitting in front of her door?

She shoves her negative and anxious thoughts away and sinks down to the floor. Her back is resting against Lena’s door and she tucks her knees to her chest as she waits. Negativity isn’t going to help her. Lena might as well just be out for a small errand. To kill time and keep herself from brooding, Kara takes out the book she bought at the airport and starts reading.

A loud thud draws Kara from the letters on the page a while later.

“Kara?” Lena sounds like she sees a ghost, her hand clamped to her mouth and eyes wide with surprise.

Quickly, Kara scampers to her feet, barely in time to catch Lena who’s flung her body at her. Lena’s bag lies forgotten at the elevator door.

“Hey,” Kara greets. She tightens her hold when Lena does too, holding her friend closer than ever before. Lena suddenly starts shaking in her arms but when Kara tries to pull back to give her space and get a good look at her, Lena tightens her hold even more. Kara complies and lets Lena hug her firmly.

“Are you okay?”

“I missed you,” Lena mumbles against her shoulder.

“I missed you too.” Kara rubs her hand up and down on Lena’s arm, comforting her friend a little more. It feels like the ravenette might be crying but Kara can’t see her face to confirm and she knows Lena’s an expert at crying quietly. “I thought you like Ireland?”

“I do. It’s- I do,” Lena stutters uncharacteristically as if she’s keeping herself from saying something. Kara decides not to push her. For now at least.

“Did something happen today?” They’d talked only a little over a day ago and Lena had sounded happy and light then. It could have all been a ruse to keep Kara from worrying, she realises. Lena could bury a lot of things and especially through phone calls and texts it would be hard to see through the meticulously crafted picture Lena is able to present at times.

“No. I just didn’t realise how much I missed you until I saw you just now,” Lena confesses.

“Okay.” Kara’s relieved nothing bad happed and she wants to get to her goal of telling Lena how she feels about her but she can’t do that before she’s consoled her friend. She sets a slow rocking pace from side to side, like a cradle, and steadily turns it into a slow dance to soundless music.

They must be some sight, she muses. A frazzled blonde who hasn’t slept in too long and a crying ravenette tucked under her chin, dancing to silence in the fifth-floor hallway of an apartment complex. There’s no one to see them though, as Kara starts to speed up their swaying and eventually has them perform turns and twists, hands always connected and Lena always spinning back to Kara’s embrace.

Laughter bubbles from Lena’s mouth after another twirl and Kara quickly follows suit now that her first mission of consoling Lena is complete. They spin around a few more times until falling to the floor side by side, giggling uninhibitedly. Their hands lie intertwined between them, shoulders touching as they laugh and try to catch their breaths.

“What are you doing here?” Lena asks, brows knitted together as she turns a little to face Kara.

Kara props herself up on her free elbow and looks down at the ravenette, really looking at her for the first time since arriving. She looks both light and heavy at the same time, a raw contradiction, as if something is weighing her down but she’s fighting it. Make-up hides small bags below her eyes, so unlike Kara’s, whose are acquired from one short night. They’re much more like Alex’s when work gets demanding. Bags cultivated over many nights. Nights barely long enough but not short enough to completely wear someone down. Despite it, Lena looks healthy and happy. Kara hopes the latter is partly because of her presence.

“Aren’t you going to invite me in?” Kara deflects.

Lena’s left eyebrow shoots up in amusement before she gracefully rises, letting go of Kara’s hand to fetch her back. She unlocks her door and swings it wide open.

“Would you like to come in, Miss Danvers?” she asks with a smirk.

“I would very much. Thank you, Miss Luthor,” Kara says before making her way inside.

Though clearly lived in, the apartment doesn’t really look like a _home_. There are hardly any knickknacks, no pictures or plants. The couch does have a colourful blanket on it, one Kara would have expected in her own place rather than Lena’s. Maybe their friendship is making Kara rub off on Lena. A rack by the door holds Lena’s shoes and her coats are neatly hung above it. They’re all new ones, Kara notes. She mustn’t have had enough room in her luggage to bring her own coats.

This is it. This apartment is where she’s going to tell Lena she’s in love. The off-white walls will be her witnesses, as will the furniture. Her hands start to slightly sweat and she rubs them repetitively on her trousers to get rid of the uncomfortable feeling.

“Would you like some tea?” Lena asks, standing by the kitchen counter.

“Yes please.” Kara realises she’s probably clued Lena in on her nerves. Her fingers are tapping on her thigh and she restlessly hops from one foot to the other.

“Make yourself at home.” Lena gestures to the living room part of her apartment and the message she doesn’t speak is clear. _Please sit down before you break anything._ It’s not malicious. Kara’s prone to breaking stuff, even when people think there’s nothing in her vicinity to break. She somehow always finds a way and Lena knows it. It’s more to save Kara from feeling guilty over destroying anything than it is about Lena caring about her property.

“So, how bad is it?” Lena asks, handing Kara a steaming mug before sitting down next to her and clasping her own mug between both hands.

“How bad- No, Lena, it isn’t bad.” Kara corrects her, now feeling guilty for worrying Lena. The ‘depending on how you react’ is only a thought in Kara’s mind, not something she dares speak.

“It’s not?” Lena doesn’t look entirely convinced. “What are you doing all the way in bloody Ireland then? Unannounced.” Ireland has clearly rubbed off on the younger woman. She’d never used profanities before, and definitely not ones like ‘bloody’, and she’s even gotten a small accent. It makes Kara smile, it sounds good on her.

 _This_ is the moment. For real now. _Please don’t mess it up, Kara. You can do this._ Kara mentally gives herself a pep talk.

“I wanted to see you because, err.” Everything Kara wants to say suddenly sounds so stupid. _I realised I’m in love with you so I rushed to Ireland to tell you._ What a foolish thing. Even if Lena reciprocates Kara’s feelings, she still has to stay in Ireland for her job. She can’t just up and leave for Kara. Kara wouldn’t let her either.

She looks down, eyes trailing along Lena’s hands, white from their strong clasp on her mug. Kara takes that as motivation. Drawing this out will only make Lena anxious and that’s the opposite of what Kara hopes to achieve.

“I- err- promise you won’t laugh,” Kara says instead of what she actually wants to.

Lena’s grip loosens a bit and a small smile graces her lips. She’s no doubt thinking Kara did something really stupid. “I’ll try,” she says, a lot more relieved now than before. At least Kara achieved that. She still frowns at the ravenette, trying is really all she has to offer?

“Can’t make a promise I might not keep,” Lena explains, prompted by Kara’s slightly offended look.

Maybe Lena is right. She has no idea what’s about to be thrown at her so it’s only logical she won’t make promises she doesn’t know she can keep. It’s Lena’s kind and open smile, ready to listen and not to judge, that helps Kara spill her guts in the end.

“I realised I’m in love with you and I couldn’t keep it a secret,” Kara spills, words too fast after each other in a single breath.

Lena’s brows knit together once more as she tries to decipher what Kara said. Confusion slowly subsides for surprise, disbelief and maybe a little hope – but that could be Kara seeing what she wants to see instead of what’s really there.

“You-” Lena mutters, “you’re in love with me?”

Is Kara’s imagination playing tricks on her or does she detect some awe in Lena’s voice?

“Yes,” she says firmly. Now that she’s said it, every last sliver of doubt has disappeared. She loves Lena, has for a very long time if she’s being honest, and she’s _in love_ with Lena, maybe not as long but in hindsight she probably already was long before Lena went abroad.

Kara can almost hear the cogs turning in Lena’s mind. Some explanation will probably help her understand, Kara just doesn’t know where to begin.

“Why now?” Lena sounds a little distant, hesitant even. Kara is determined to answer any and all questions to help Lena.

“I didn’t realise before. Alex helped me see it. I think she got really, really sick of me sulking on her couch because you left. It had been growing for a very long time and then you came here and I missed you so much it hurt, more than probably normal for a friend. And Alex made me realise. I was so miserable, Lena. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same. I’ll go back as soon as possible but I couldn’t not tell you and I hope we can still be friends. I just wanted you to know. I love you.”

The following silence is heavy and stretches on and on. Kara feels her heart sink. She shouldn’t have hoped. Shouldn’t have let Alex and Ruby tell her Lena feels the same. Clearly, she doesn’t.

After a while, Kara dares look at Lena, feeling the burning need to have visual confirmation of her rejection. That is not what she sees. Lena looks at her almost reverently, unshed tears pooling in the corners of her eyes. There’s no way Lena’s going to say anything else, though.

“I love you too,” Lena suddenly whispers huskily.

“It’s okay. I understand. I’ll leave on- wait, what?” Kara backtracks as Lena’s words settle in. She’d been prepared for rejection, pushed all her hope away. Was ready to be sent back to the USA on the next flight. Instead, Lena said the impossible.

“I’m in love with you too,” Lena repeats, a little more certain this time. Her hand letting go of her mug to reach out to Kara who quickly twines their fingers together. Lena’s hand feels cold after the residual heat from her tea has disappeared. Their hands fit together perfectly, like they always have, only now Kara enjoys it more consciously.

She can’t stop the wide smile growing on her lips as she looks at Lena. “You do?”

“I do,” Lena confirms. “It’s actually why I went to Dublin. I thought you would never love me back and the best way to get over a crush is distance. Maybe I took it a bit too literally and it didn’t even work. I think it’s been more than a simple crush for a long time so that’s probably why.

“I asked Alex and Sam what to do, when I got the Dublin offer I mean. I didn’t tell them everything but I feel like they already knew somehow. They told me to do what felt best. So I left, because being close to you, sleeping over, movie nights, cuddles op the couch together, it hurt. I thought I’d just have to let go. I couldn’t though. I started hating it here, you know. And I couldn’t tell you and I didn’t really have anyone else to talk to about that stuff. That’s why I started working so much more, because calling you only made me miss you more.”

“Oh, Lena,” Kara sighs, reaching out for a hug. Lena melts into her arms, wrapping her own firmly around Kara’s body and spreading her fingers, seemingly to ensure herself Kara is real and actually sitting there with her. Kara breathes in the soothing scent of Lena’s shampoo, stray dark hairs tickling her cheek. She hadn’t just missed Lena. She’d also missed their heart-to-hearts, Lena’s scent, her soft skin, her green eyes always swirling with a wide range of emotions.

Kara tightens her arms around Lena. She feels like she’s on top of the world.

“You really missed me?” Lena asks, pulling back slightly to look at Kara with turbulent emotions playing with the shade of her eyes.

“I did.” Kara strengthens her statement with a firm nod.

“You really love me?”

“I do-” Kara doesn’t get the chance to say anything else as Lena captures her lips with her own. Kara’s initial surprise fades quickly and soon enough she’s reciprocating, pressing Lena back a little as her hands come up to cup a pale jaw. Kara’s tongue swipes along Lena’s bottom lip and the resulting surprised gasp allows it entrance in Lena’s mouth.

Eventually, they pull away and take several deep breaths, foreheads still touching as they share the same air. It’s dizzying, or maybe that’s the endorphins coursing through Kara’s body.

“Does that mean I won’t have to take the first flight back?” Kara jokes.

“I have one more week and then we can fly back together. And discuss the offer for me staying here another while to help reorganise. I don’t want to decide alone.” Lena’s hands trail from Kara’s hips to her knees and Lena squeezes there slightly.

“Thank you.” Kara drops one hand on top of Lena’s and squeezes back. They’re in this together now. She leans in once again to get another kiss. The first one has made her addicted and she already feels like it’s been too long.

Lena stops her with a firm hand to her chest.

“Can we please take this slow?” she asks softly. “You know, I haven’t since Jess and…”

“Of course,” Kara agrees, “you can set the pace.”

They both smile at each other a little longer, Kara fighting the need to kiss Lena because she’s not about to ruin this great new thing they have going between them. Eventually, also Lena’s self-restraint seems to waver and she scoots closer, leaning in to capture Kara’s lips once again.

As promised, Kara lets Lena set the pace. She knows Lena meant the pace of their relationship in general but this is a way for her to show she’s completely willing to listen and let Lena take the lead. She greedily kisses Lena back but doesn’t anything else without a cue from the ravenette.

When Lena pulls a little on Kara’s collar to get her closer, Kara eagerly complies by swinging her distant leg over Lena’s and, throwing her bodyweight behind it, effectively ends up straddling Lena. Their kiss deepens instinctively.

Now, Kara is truly on top of ~~the~~  her world.


End file.
